Author: Dan

  • Christmas 2005

    Be sure to check out Nate’s review of Christmas cards that this review “posted over” tonight. Sorry Nate, I’m just trying to take care of the Christmas Night Media Blitz.

    One more down, and lots more to go. It’s not like I hate Christmas, it’s just that I’m a good number of years away from when Christmas was truly an event. I’d like to think that this isn’t just a product of having grown past the age of getting excited about the concept of new toys, but I think in our crass, commercial-driven society, that might very well be the case. As we always disclaim when mentioning something that is not specifically the review’s topic/title, this isn’t a review of “Christmas,” but of Christmas 2005.

    Christmas
    Today was a lot like Christmas in July, but even more like Christmas in December.

    We usually hesitate to review things using a rigid structure as that significantly affects the “delivery” of our jokes, insights, etc. that our readership expects of us. I’d call out Kurt’s review of some computer magazine that he did suspiciously near the launching of this website as an example of this, but being that he runs his site on his computer in his dorm room, it’ll be unavailable until he’s back on campus. Needless to say, that review will be the focal point of my review of his site. Anyway, we will go through the day mentioning those “rigid structures,” but not in some sort of bulleted list.

    Needless to say, today was incredibly warm for the season. Downright “mild” as the weatherman might say. Some enjoy these equatorial temperatures, but it’s just not right, especially on Christmas. Beyond that, it was rainy. Way rainy. There’s something to be said for snow on Christmas, but of course we remember three years ago when all it did was make the roads treacherous, but rain on Christmas…that’s just dreary. Heck, if we’re lucky, it’ll go below freezing tonight so that it’s a commuting disaster tomorrow morning. Minus 1 star.

    Christmas is more-or-less the beginning of the almost two month “window” and for good reason. It’s been rather true-to-form for a number of years and continues to be, almost more so each year. Minus 1.

    Why do brown sugar and ham go together so well? Chemistry has taught me that reactions are sped up by temperature, so maybe it’s the fact that the ham was served “hors d’oeuvres-style” and the brown sugar crystals had been emplaced on the outside of the ham. All this leads to the fact that when you taste the brown sugar separately from the ham, it’s especially good (remember all the talk about chemical reactions at the beginning of the paragraph? See, the sugar and ham flavors don’t mix until you actually eat it.). Highly recommended. Unfortunately, no desserts were prepared, brought, etc. And oh yeah, every year I end up eating something that doesn’t agree with my constitution. Needless to say, it happened again. Minus 0, Plus 0.

    To be honest, gifts really aren’t that big of a deal anymore for the “feel” of Christmas, so they’re immaterial for the review. But, supporting details for the gifts do count. Needless to say, to mention that my brother was dumb-founded by the interface of a modded Xbox and the programs it enables is an understatement, but to be fair, I had a doozy of a time until I got used to all of it. Again, needless to say I could be putting a lot of time in in “tech support.” Of course, that’s no fault but my own, so I can’t hold the Holiday at fault for it. Minus 0, Plus 0.

    **½

    Christmas 2005 receives two-and-a-half stars due to its nature of being much like most previous Christmases. New to this year was uncharacteristically warm weather and bouts of precipitation that would’ve sent Noah back to the lumberyard. Oh yeah, my family also didn’t/doesn’t have a Christmas Tree because of the super-incompetence of the “contractor” (not) working on our new kitchen and taking up space throughout that part of the house. That’s enough for at least another half-star off.

  • Roger Ebert’s Take on Video Games

    Quick site note: This is the first review of either many or zero more that will use “tips.” When hovering over some links, text will pop-up near your cursor. We’re not yet sure whether it’s annoying or if it enhances the writing. I especially find myself drowning in a sea of parenthesis, and these “tips” solve that problem in a way that writing on paper never could. Feedback please.

    Lately the non-review sections Roger Ebert’s website have been filled with discussion on the merits of video games versus movies, and “the internet” has been abuzz with him being an out-of-touch old man. His weekly answer-man column has addressed the issue multiple times, namely his lack of interest in video games, in general. I can’t find the absolute starting point for the whole debate, but I think it has to do with a reader objecting to Ebert’s awarding of one star to the movie adaptation of DOOM (he uses a four star system for those of you wondering how to reconcile his reviews with ours.). The reader basically took offense at his generous one star review because one section of the other-wise unremarkable adaptation paid super-close homage to the game. Ebert sufficiently served the reader by explaining that video game websites review movies on their own terms, and he will continue to review movies on his. What started the “controversy” was his final comment in his response:

    “As long as there is a great movie unseen or a great book unread, I will continue to be unable to find the time to play video games.”

    This lead to (what I can only assume to be) countless angry letters of video game fans defending their XBoxen and poorly translated, endlessly sequeled, Japanese-sourced games (i.e. the Metal Gear and “Final” Fantasy series, etc.). True, that’s my bias showing through, but in the response to the letter that Ebert decided to run, he explained:

    “I am prepared to believe that video games can be elegant, subtle, sophisticated, challenging and visually wonderful. But I believe the nature of the medium prevents it from moving beyond craftsmanship to the stature of art.”

    That’s the one that really got the internet in a tizzy.

    ebert
    You’d think that after writing all of this, I’d be able to think of a funny caption. Well, that’s not the case.

    The problem with video game fans (in general) is that they are relentlessly but selectively enthusiastic about their “art” of choice. There’s no point for me to write an e-mail to the movie “Answer Man” being that it will be lost in the mountains of “You’ve never played Halo, Resident Evil, Final Fantasies 1 through 12, etc. so you suck” type letters (not that I’d assume it’d automatically be printed of course. I’m sure that every e-mail is read, but I think Jim Emerson (The site’s editor/blogger) probably handles most of the filtering). So, being that I have my own internet soapbox that ends in .com, here I go.

    Without backing any of it up with fact or definitive history, I can guarantee that every medium of art has had to deal with detractors. Movies weren’t widely accepted as having any worthwhile value at their inception, especially considering that mankind had gotten used to the previous status quo from the past two-thousand+ years of seeing live actors performing on stage. On top of that, even movements within each art form have faced critics (again, with the lack of facts or evidence). People still argue about the merits of Jackson Pollack imagine hundreds of years ago, when Baroque music was developing and becoming (again) the status quo, and *gasp* didn’t base all of its harmony on the 4th. Sure, the now “normal” root-3rd-5th harmony sounds right, but back then a lot of people didn’t like it one bit due to the “profane” nature of the major-3rd harmony (in terms backing that up, I’ll hold a music professor I had responsible for defending that bit of trivia). In philosophical terms, the video game “medium” is about 25 years old and in only its second major movement. Consider the first to be the 2D era, started with the first Atari system and ended with Super Nintendo and Genesis. The second is the 3D era, started with the Sony Playstation, Nintendo 64, and Sega Saturn. The third (sub)wave of the 3D era began in late November of 2005 when Microsoft began shipping the XBox 360. As mentioned earlier, gamers are notoriously selective in their passions, and some choose to be passionate about the hardware aspect of video gaming, so in response to those people:

    1. I know I’m glossing over lots of other systems.
    2. I know that Genesis came out before Super Nintendo.
    3. Atari probably wasn’t the first system, but realistically it started the whole console “thing.”
    4. I know that 2D games have come out for the “3D” systems — especially Sega Dreamcast, but 2D vs. 3D is too significant of a divide to ignore.

    Structured music went through quite a bit of development before anything gained an historical foothold; specifically, J.S. Bach and Handel are still being widely performed today while almost the whole of still-existing Renaissance and Medieval music is relegated to prominence in academic environments only. Sure, movies “came of age” much more quickly than music (or even painting), with films from about thirty years after the proliferation of the medium still widely considered classics. Interestingly enough, film also experienced several technical and artistic waves. (The “maturation of computer-generated effects” probably being the academic-sounding, retrospective categorization of today’s “wave.”)

    Video games have not yet experienced a true second artistic wave (the 2D/3D divide is of a technical nature). The gameplay advances of Grand Theft Auto 3 (namely, go wherever you want, do whatever you want, follow a story or play randomly) have inspired countless similar titles the same way that DOOM began a wave of 1st person shooters in 1993. They offered different experiences, but neither was the quantum leap experienced by movie-goers attending the first “talkies” in the 1920’s. Newer hardware generations have enabled new features (namely graphical, some incredible advances in AI) in first-person shooters (and eventually bigger, prettier worlds in GTA-style games).

    Anyone who says that once Roger Ebert would play Halo or any other mass-market game, Ebert would develop a huge appreciation and change his mind is simply wrong. Halo’s story serves merely to give the player a reason to shoot things. Similarly, Grand Theft Autos’ stories (any game in the series, even way back into its 2D, overhead days) simply provide a reason to take part in the shenanigans for which the games have become (in)famous. Limiting the lens to newer games, even the story of Metroid Prime is just a tool the developers used to make the shooting more compelling, not the other way around. It’s not that there aren’t story-driven titles among newer games, it’s just that in popular games it’s supplemental. I know there are ambitiously enthusiastic fans of the story in the Halo games, but ask yourself if you’d play the game any differently if there were no story, just the mission goals list, then shooting things until the next numbered list appears, rinse, repeat. So, no, I’m not claiming that “new” (more accurately, “popular”) games are bad, just that they serve as poor evidence in one’s claim that video games are narratively engaging.

    So, as a bit of a disclaimer, I’d consider my interest in current video games to be passive. I’m interested enough to read game reviews or watch someone play for about 10 minutes or so, but I don’t participate. I own no consoles and the video card in my computer is from 2001. I’ve watched people play FarCry, Half-Life 2, DOOM III, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, both Halos and on and on. (Those games are almost all shooters, but a complete list would be excessive, and these are some of the most popular and loudly defended of the last couple of years). I hold no grudge towards new games, but my personal “golden age” of video gaming passed sometime in the late 90’s. Most recently, the games I’ve spent any considerable amount of time playing have been the Genesis version of John Madden NFL ’98 and the arcade version of Super Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo, both running on a friend’s modded Xbox. As the understatement of the year, neither of these games is exactly what we’d consider story-heavy, but in terms of bringing things full circle, provide a very social experience with a group of people, exactly what is marketed as the number one feature of Microsoft’s Xbox 360, not its currently man-beast-esque hardware capabilities.

    Directly addressing Roger Ebert, we’ll now present the definitive example of the “video game as art” discussion:

    “I did indeed consider videogames inherently inferior to film and literature. There is a structural reason for that: Videogames by their nature require player choices, which is the opposite of the strategy of serious film and literature, which requires authorial control.”

    At risk of this becoming a “my favorite game is more obscure than your favorite game” reverse sales-measuring contest, let’s first throw out every RPG. Ebert’s comment about “authorial control” initially sounds too heavy-handed to be anything other than hyperbole, but it should be painfully accurate to RPG players. A decently modeled RPG lets the player assume the “role” of a character (or group of characters); the user can choose for his game play experience to be as dull as desired. His or her experience will be different than another player’s. Sure, that sounds ideal, even enough to potentially consider that to be the ideal example of the one thing that would skew video games toward “art” status. But think of Choose Your Own Adventure books; they offer a choice in the reader making his or her own story. The first reaction to that is, “But they’re kids books, they’re not supposed to be good.” It goes without saying that there are plenty of widely appealing kids’ books, and if there were adult-oriented Choose Your Own Adventure books, would anyone read them? Would they be considered “literature?” Nope; and for good reason. It’s just a gimmick.

    There are two story-heavy genres in video gaming. Role-Playing Games and Adventure games. (This is where I’m looking to avoid the obscurity-related reverse penis size contest.) RPG’s having already been justifiably thrown out, that leaves Adventure games. Most anyone with a passing interest in video games has played an adventure game, but their popular peak was both dramatically short and intensely focused on one title (which really wasn’t that great of a game, all things retrospectively considered ). MYST (aside from being considered the “killer app” for PC CD-ROM drives) was hugely successful, and was undeniably an adventure game. There was a set story, and very little room for non-linearity; provided you could figure out the “oh yeah, I guess that makes sense” puzzles, you were undoubtedly under the control of some “authorial” figure as you played. Though the graphics contributed to the overall mood, it was really the story and “art direction” that truly established the player’s sense of loneliness on the island throughout its history. The story created the puzzles (the single element of “gameplay”), not the other way around. Though this isn’t a review of MYST, it needs to be noted that it actually offered a rather passive gameplay experience; the puzzles were simplistic, the story, dull, but the mind-bendingly amazing (for 1995) graphics sold everyone. Unfortunately, it became the benchmark for the Adventure game genre, causing most everyone to think them dull and pretty-yet-vapid after most people were left thinking “Gee, I don’t get it” after either finishing the game (or more likely) giving up after getting one’s fill of pretty pre-rendered pictures.

    With the genre’s prime and popular example painting such an ugly picture for average users as time went on, the “mass market” PC gamers moved back towards more interactive games (such as Quake, more-or-less the beginning of the PC’s true 3D boom). During this time, adventure games were still being made, and George Lucas of all people was responsible for some of the best. Okay, George Lucas’ company actually made them, but trivia’s trivia. Sam & Max Hit the Road, Day of the Tentacle, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, and Full Throttle were some of the best received adventure games of their time and are widely considered the classics of the era. Just like every other genre eventually shifted to 3D, adventure games followed suit.

    LucasArts’ first of two 3D adventure game offered one of the most interactively cinematical experiences in games, ever, no matter the genre. Limiting the focus of the “video games as art” discussion to whether or not video games present the “authorial control” apparently required by art, Grim Fandango offered the “authorial control” of a movie, while engrossing the player in ways that movies and books simply can’t. Loosely inspired by some sort of Central American mythology of multiple underworlds, and souls wanting to end up in the final, 9th underworld, you play as Manny Calavera, a sort of travel agent in limbo between life and death. Manny “sells” travel packages for different routes to the underworld; the better the prospective travellers lived their lives, the quicker their trip to the 9th underworld. The “cleanest” souls get to ride on the “Number 9” train which speeds them right to heaven, while those that face the travel agent (Manny) with more regrets are stuck with the less desirable methods, notably the long, dark walk through the underworld. All that is the setting, the actual story involves a conspiracy that Manny begins to uncover as he realizes that he keeps getting the “lesser” souls, and due to his unmentioned sins of his human life, he’ll be stuck in limbo forever. Along the way, he meets a special lady, gathers a sidekick, meets a mortician performing an autopsy (one of the harmlessly creepy characters in any movie, game, book, etc.) and ends up having to shoot someone to save his life. (In case you’re wondering, to kill a dead person, you apparently shoot them with a bullet that sprouts flowers, similarly to the earth “taking over” a body buried in the ground.) Without spending forever talking about this game, I’ll simply say it’s a more cinematic experience than many movies: the story is the game, the voice actors are top quality, the art direction (which somehow combines Latin American influences with Art-Deco) compares with any Hollywood production, and it offers an ending more emotional than most movies.

    Which brings up the final thought: How many people have played Grim Fandango? How many have even heard of Grim Fandango? Not many. In fact, it’s usually considered the ultimate symbol of the adventure genre’s waning popularity. It came out in 1998, one year after Sierra had abandoned the King’s Quest franchise. Critical reviews were immensely favorable, but sales were not. Escape from Monkey Island, which was ultimately the final LucasArts adventure entered and exited with a whimper as sequels to two of their most popular adventure franchises were cancelled for ‘current marketplace realities’ and ‘creative issues,’ reverse respectively. In any medium there’s a distinct divide between the commercial/popular and the artistic. There is sometimes cross-over between the two, and it seems that most fans of the “artistic” baselessly resent fans of the popular merely because it is the “popular.” Music has thrived with that divide, and the “indie” boom of the mid-90’s brought that awareness to the world of movies. Even today, Rolling Stone and Spin’s editors campaign for the “latest, greatest, obscurest” new music while movie critics practically bet their credibility in defense of those same three superlative adjectives on some not yet known about “indie movie.” Thankfully, we don’t live in France where critics have been known to defend bad movies just to prove a point. Importantly, there is no true “indie” vs. otherwise divide in video gaming. There are no critics willing to champion some unheard of game for the sake of getting more people to experience it. People’s expectations for video games are drastically different than for other media, and even with the internet, there is no true “indie” movement that produces and distributes unheard of games the way that the major movie studios have arms dedicated to picking up obscure movies. There’s simply no My Big Fat Greek Wedding in the world of video games. The infrastructure isn’t set up to “get the word” out, and I’ll go out on a limb and say that in a society greatly affected by advertising and shiny things, video gamers are especially vulnerable to this advertising.

    Looks like we covered a lot more than just “Roger Ebert and Video Games” in this one, so here we go, emptybookshelf’s first three-headed review! Let’s hear it for innovation.

    **½

    Roger Ebert’s take on Video Games receives two-and-half stars due to the fact that as well as he defends himself, he can’t help but come off as just another old person afraid of what the kids are up to. “Oh my God! How could a bunch of moving pictures ever be better than having the actual, live actors in front of the audience?! That’ll never work!!” Unfortunately for the video gaming industry, he has a decidedly correct take on the “games as art” issue. Judging just the popular games, he’s hit the nail on the head; they are diversions where interactivity is thought to remove the need for story. Aside from the fact that he’s said he has not played games, if he were to ever pick up a controller/mouse/keyboard/bongo, he wouldn’t be playing anything remotely cinematical. At the risk of going on yet another tangent, just the fact that you can use bongos to play a video game says something about them compared to movies.

    *****

    Though I claimed this wasn’t a review of Grim Fandango, I can’t help but consider this an ideal time to “star” it. It receives five stars for being the most engrossing of all adventure games, and dare I say, any game. That isn’t to say that it’s the best game ever, just the most cinematical, and in a non-girly way, potentially the most beautiful.

    *

    Internet Fanboys receive one star due to the fact that their existence and pedanticism make it so a review of such a contentious topic needs to go on so many sidetracks. There’s something to be said for being enthusiastic about something, but there’s also something to be said for having some perspective. Not-so-oddly enough, Roger Ebert himself, probably one of the wittiest people on the planet, summed up the whole “fanboy” thing quite well in his review of Hackers:

    You should never send an expert to a movie about his specialty. Boxers hate boxing movies. Space buffs said ‘Apollo 13’ showed the wrong side of the moon. The British believe Mel Gibson’s scholarship was faulty in ‘Braveheart’ merely because some of the key characters hadn’t been born at the time of the story. ‘Hackers’ is, I have no doubt, deeply dubious in the computer science department. While it is no doubt true that in real life no hacker could do what the characters in this movie do, it is no doubt equally true that what hackers can do would not make a very entertaining movie.”

  • Knocking the Wind Out of Adam

    Time for a mini-review! (before I take on my semi-idol, Roger Ebert later in the week)

    Thumb\'s up!
    All things considered, this review will probably not actually earn “the seal”:-(

    So, we were playing football the day after Thanksgiving. There were about ten people there, which is a pleasantly complete number, as the field can be reasonably-sized, and there aren’t so many people that any serious medical emergencies ensue. All of the Goletz siblings were there: Greg, Dave, and Tim. The significance of that is Dave and Tim are no longer 6 years old. They’re both in/recently in high school and more importantly, quite good at football. So good in fact that after a loose ball (that actually wasn’t technically a loose ball, but I guess I yelled “pick it up!” with enough confidence that someone [Adam] actually thought it was a fumble and not an incomplete [short] pass), that Mr. Tim Goletz completely clobbered the “fumble” recoverer after he was already on the ground. Just like in the NFL.

    All of this lead to the following conversation between Nate and me:

    Nate: That’s weird, I don’t hear any Futurama quotes.
    Me: What about anything from The Critic?
    Nate: Nope. -Wait- Do I hear a Family Guy reference?
    Me: No, I think that’s just some leaves rustling.
    Nate: Yeah, it looks like Tim knocked the wind out of Adam.
    Me: Ah. That’s why I don’t feel like I’m in the TV aisle of a DVD store.

    ***½

    Knocking the Wind Out of Adam receives three-and-a-half stars due to the change in the conversational landscape. It can’t be rated too highly because the condition (though temporary) is incredibly uncomfortable and is one of the more serious of the “un-serious” conditions. In all actuality, Adam didn’t have any TV quotes that day, but knocking the wind out of him would’ve changed that if he had. In even more actuality, I never had that conversation with Nate. But I could have.

  • The Cure4Cole “Ad” Campaign

    Hmm, is it possible to somehow not take the side of a sick kid and not be considered an awful person? Let’s find out. So, I was doing some stuff for work the other day (well, a lot of days), and I was outside of Lehigh Valley Hospital Cedar Crest. And lo-and-behold, there’s this bus stop advertisement of a very young, pants-less kid and his dog with a message imploring anyone reading it that ‘you’ should help because “Perhaps YOU [their emphasis] have the knowledge to save our son.” I’d assume that this is one sick kid, a poster child/patient for some obscure but deadly disease/syndrome/condition, etc. and there must be some sort of national ad campaign to get the attention of doctors because I sure don’t have any knowledge about how to fix the kid other than to possibly point him in the direction of a GAP Kids so he could get some pants. Maybe his condition is skin-related, and clothing irritates his skin, but I doubt families of kids with severe skin issues own dogs. I guess the “ad” campaign (quotes because I doubt that they’re trying to sell anything) worked, and I checked out the website, Cure4Cole.com.

    cole
    Apparently the domain Pants4Cole.com was taken.

    Turns out that, yes, Cole is indeed a sick kid, and that dog is there to bark when Cole involuntarily stops breathing. Yikes. Now, lesser men might end a review there, giving 5 stars to anything related to Mr. Cole just because of “the little guy’s courage.” So at risk of further becoming a bad person, here’s a quick rundown of the “situation.” Well, I guess that shouldn’t be in quotes, but oh well. What I thought was perhaps a national campaign is actually a goodwill gesture from Lamar Advertising Company which placed a full-size billboard in Milwaukee (outside a children’s hospital), two billboards in Ohio, and four in the Lehigh Valley. To be honest, I’m now interested in finding the other four in the Lehigh Valley (and I know that I’ve seen a second one, but I can’t remember where), but that’s more my completist nature showing through than anything else — don’t worry, hoping that someone finds a cure is a higher priority to me than seeing all the signs in the general area. So, anyway, the website covers the story of how an undiagnosed, but very sick kid from Winnipeg caught the attention of an advertising company, includes a photo gallery and even video examples of the choking behavior that he exhibits when he stops breathing (the sound of the choking is what the dog has been trained to recognize as the cue to start barking to get everyone’s attention). I’ve not clicked on the videos as I can’t help but think that if I did, I probably wouldn’t post this review.

    So, I guess to effectively review this “ad” campaign, I need to forget that there’s a sick kid behind it. Superficially, I recognize the fact that having a poster child for a condition is one method of increasing awareness. For example, Doug Flutie has a public-awareness autism campaign named after his son. It’s not a shameless move on anyone’s part, and it’s better to see sports stars and celebrities promoting medical awareness instead of knee-jerk political opinions. But, the only issue with Cole’s campaign is that he seems to be the only one. Of course it’s not his fault (or his mother’s) that his condition is so rare that it is more accurately called “personal,” but a cynic would see the website and notice its lack of “help Cole so you can help other sick children”-type messages and be put off by the whole idea. Of course, it says in bold letters that they’re not asking for money, but cynics would say that anyone who specifically says they don’t want your money actually do. Am I that particular cynic? No, not really, but I guess it stands against my character to assume that someone out there might think that. Of course, I’m also the type of person that would think of wishing Dr. House to be real so that he can diagnose Cole, accuse his mom of drug use in her past [because that’s what House does in almost every episode], and hilariously harass his boss in one drama-filled hour. Again, superficially, while the website is perfectly functional, there are some spelling errors. True, they’re typos, but some of the copy has a “xanga-esque” feel to it, and professionalism = legitimacy. Of course videos of the choking sound a sick kid makes as he stops breathing are also equal to legitimacy. So in the name of that, if anyone is coming here to call me soulless for all of this, consider this my formal offering to copy check the entire website for the entirety of its existence.

    ***½

    The Cure4Cole “ad” campaign receives three-and-a-half stars due to the fact that it shows that companies do care and so on, and looking through the guestbook has lots of people wishing well, many after having seen the billboards. It’s not the fault of Cole (or his mom) that his condition is so rare that messages about “helping others, too” would be almost inapplicable, but it’s very odd to see an awareness campaign focused on just one kid. Again, that isn’t to be held against them, but symbolically, it would count for something. Of course, I/we/anyone-with-a-heart hopes that they figure out the problem and that he gets better. But, is it too much to ask that he be at least more fully clothed in the picture used in the campaign. There are lots of pictures in the gallery of him wearing more than underpants/diapers(?). So, yeah, three-and-a-half stars. That’s right, I’m going to Hell.

  • That Episode of Coach Where Luther Sues Coach

    I haven’t seen Coach for a very long time; I haven’t watched episodes in syndication, in fact I’m not sure it’s even in syndication beyond non-network affiliate stations such as the Lehigh Valley’s WFMZ. Heck, it might not even be on that channel anymore. Regardless, I watched a whole bunch of the show during some of its later seasons. Being that I really can’t remember any episodes (except one), it must not’ve been very good. If I remember correctly, it was on in a programming block that included Home Improvement and maybe even The Drew Carey Show and Spin City, though I’m probably mixing up the seasons. So anyway, the episode in question.

    Coach
    Luther Horatio Van Dam’s shirt is green. The same color that his irresponsibility produced. Ok, I’ve got nothing.

    The year was 1996, the month, March, the date, Tuesday the 19th, the weather, probably cold. I don’t remember much about that day other than (now) looking back in hindsight and hoping that I was too cool for Home Improvement in 7th grade. I wasn’t, but of course, I don’t remember which episode of Home Improvement was on that night. Beyond TV-related events, it was what I remember to be the middle of the time when people were filing (and winning) ridiculous, common-sense lawsuits. The woman who sued (and won) McDonald’s because she burned herself while drinking their coffee and driving was the most widely covered instance of this, but there were plenty of examples. Whether March 1996 was the breaking point for the “frivolous lawsuit movement” remains to be seen as family-oriented television shows are notorious for being way behind the times with their social commentary (think of the “very special episode” of 7th Heaven that dealt with huffing considerably after the network news shows all had their own marginally more timely “special reports”).

    So, again, being that I saw the episode once and actually don’t remember many details of it (specifically the details of the plot and the ending), I’ll try my hardest to review it as thoroughly as possible. Sort of thankfully, I actually found a mini-episode capsule where I learned the title (“Van Damn [sic] vs. Fox”), the airdate, and a recap even thinner than what I can remember. Roughly, Coach, played by Mr. Incredible holds a barbecue and one of his assistant coaches, Luther Horatio Van Dam (I’m not making that up), grabs a meat skewer from the grill, then severely burns himself as he attempts to eat the meat. Instead of worshipping at the altar of personal responsibility, Luther (played by that guy whose brother’s name makes girls giggle) decides to sue Coach for negligence. They’re good friends, but Luther Horatio Van Dam isn’t the brightest bulb in the box and sees the opportunity for a quick buck all while not being to talk clearly due to the burn in his mouth. Yes, hilarity did ensue. Some other stuff happened between the announcement and the trial, but I don’t remember what it was. At the trial itself, Luther has hired a high-powered defense attorney while Coach, due to what he considers the ridiculousness of the lawsuit, represents himself. The basis of Coach’s argument was rather simple: it was Luther’s fault for grabbing (then eating) the meat, there’s no way he could be held responsible for someone else’s idiocy.

    Needless to say, my dad was rooting for Coach’s populist defense, but the court actually found in favor of Luther. Even more needless to say, my dad was outraged (Outraged!) at the result. Whether or not he threw pizza at me, I don’t know, but it could’ve happened. In terms of the characters, I don’t remember the ending (there was a sizable amount of screentime post trial), but somehow Luther Horatio Van Dam decided not to pursue the money and everyone remained friends.

    ****

    The Episode of Coach Where Luther Sues Coach receives 4 stars due to its handling of a topic “ripped right from the headlines” (just like Law & Order!). Granted, I’m sure it hasn’t aged well, but one more time, I haven’t seen it since that day in March 1996, and being that I remember it at all means it did something right. Of course, it probably missed the “sell by” date for jokes about frivolous lawsuits, but I think I was at the age where my media expectations were a bit less sophisticated than they are now (and yet I still watch wrestling). 1996, those were the days.

  • The Dell 2005FPW Monitor

    Because the readership has relatively low interest in detailed (or any, really) computer-related stuff, this will probably be one of only a handful of “high-tech” reviews. In the first post I had mentioned reviewing this product (keep in mind this was before Nate and I had really developed some sort of “concept” for the site), so here it is. Also, it can serve as a starting point back into normal reviewing after the Junior Staff had felt it necessary to call my reviewing skills into question. Being that anyone looking for an opinion on this particular monitor can look up highly technical, highly detailed reviews by lots of other websites, I’ll focus on whether or not it was a worthwhile purchase. Any of those other reviews are far more thorough in both methodology and scope, but being that their samples are usually sent by the manufacturer for free, specifically for the task of reviewing, their price/performance discussion is rather superficial as they’ve not spent any of their own money on the product.

    2005fpw_example
    This is more useful than a new computer.

    A rough overview of the monitor in question:

    • It’s a 20″ LCD widescreen. This is phenomenally larger than a 17″ tube monitor.
    • Its native resolution is 1680×1050 which is equal to a 16:10 aspect ratio. Most LCD monitors are either 4:3 or 5:4.
    • It’s plenty bright and doesn’t show any ghosting during movies. I haven’t played any modern computer games for quite a while, so I’m not sure if ghosting is an issue in those games. Ghosting is when the tiny pieces that make the LCD “work” can’t keep up the speed of the signal. It was a huge problem with LCD monitors until 3 or so years ago.
    • It has one analog VGA input (the blue monitor plug), one DVI (the newer, white monitor plug), one composite video in (the yellow cable that’s usually in the white/red/yellow bundles), and one S-Video in.

    The composite and S-Video inputs make it potentially useful as a TV, but if you notice, the aspect ratio is 16:10. This makes it so widescreen DVDs and their 16:9 aspect ratio are either distorted vertically to fit the screen or are viewed with black boxes across the top and bottom. All screens sold specifically as “widescreen computer monitors” are in the 16:10 aspect ratio. Products sold as computer-compatible “LCD TVs” can be bought in the 16:9 ratio, but they are frequently hundreds of dollars more than the computer monitors for a given size. Obviously, the panel makers don’t want to cannibalize the LCD TV sales. I wasn’t planning on using it as a TV, but being that it doesn’t have speakers and has an awkward aspect ratio, consider that a warning for those that might be swayed by the composite and S-Video connections. The signal carried in both of those connections has only 480 vertical lines of resolution while the screen displays 1,050; the monitor upconverts the signal, but doesn’t do the best job. If someone were to buy a PC-based TV tuner, the monitor becomes a better choice for TV-watching as the computer’s speakers can be used, and the TV tuner probably includes a better resizer.

    But, as a computer monitor it excels. The screen is super bright, super clear, takes up less space even though the screen itself is bigger, and trumps the old tube monitor I had used in every way. Most significantly, two documents can be opened next to each other at a size that’s very legible and doesn’t require an obscene amount of scrolling to effectively read. That means having an internet browser or Acrobat open next to Word and not having to switch between the two when working on some sort of paper. You can have Excel open next to Word and simply copy and paste figures without having to switch between them. This is hugely helpful and all but impossible with a single non-widescreen monitor. For those that ever edit websites, it’s also a huge help to be able to see the code and the result on one screen without (again) having to switch between windows.

    Beyond the usefulness of the screen itself, the monitor provides four USB connections, similar to having USB connections on the front of the computer, but even more useful.

    As I alluded to earlier, I doubt that anyone who normally reads the site is even considering purchasing something like this, but there have been multiple people who’ve connected to this site after searching Google for “2005FPW Review” because of a comment I made in the site’s first post. So, here it was.

    Here’s an example of the benefits of widescreen.
    Adobe Premiere make sure you un-shrink the images if you’re using Internet Explorer or Firefox
    The window arrangement when running the old 17″ tube monitor
    1152×864 ~175KB
    The window arrangement when running the Dell 2005FPW
    1680×1050 ~350KB

    Compared to the original, not only are the video previews much closer to actual size, the timeline covers a significantly larger amount of content, and if you look at the bottom, the taskbar isn’t filled even though there are numerous programs open.

    For those that couldn’t care less about response time, contrast ratio, other technical specifications, or if a favorite game has support for widescreen resolutions, consider this a hugely worthwhile investment. With coupons and patience (and liberally checking “deals” sites such as gotapex and xpbargains, the monitor can be had between $360 and $400. This is about half the price of a new, decent computer, but the kicker is that it will work with your next computer. Monitors last longer than practically any other computer part, and you spend the most time directly interacting with it compared to any of those other parts. On top of that, Dell has a 3 year warranty which is setup in such a way that they send you the replacement before you send your problematic unit back to them; it’s all rather painless.

    ****½

    The Dell 2005FPW Monitor receives four-and-a-half stars due to how much it can enhance computer use. The price is (relatively) nice, the extra features (USB, composite, S-Video, adjustability in six directions, etc.) are all, at the minimum, useful, and beyond that, consumes significantly less power than a tube monitor. It’s not perfect, as the Picture-in-Picture mode is tough to toggle on or off because everything is controlled by buttons on the bezel and the Picture-by-Picture mode is not particularly useful because it leaves so much black space above the two images. Also, though it’s not specifically a problem of the monitor, when watching DVDs on the computer with PowerDVD or any other program, the screen’s resolution is so high compared to the DVD that when the video is resized to fullscreen, the flaws in the DVD source are rather obvious. Video savvy users can use Media Player Classic in combination with ffdshow to do a very high quality resize of the DVD’s output, but that’s a rather inelegant method. Both of the new DVD formats will fix this as their native resolution will most likely be closer to that of the panel, but as of now, viewing either of the new formats in the higher resolutions (720p and 1080i/p) will require components with HDMI connections, something that the 2005FPW lacks. But, when it comes to computer stuff, waiting for the “next and best” never works out being that there’s always a “next and best” around the corner.

  • The Myth of the Christmas Season Coming Earlier Every Year

    The Junior Staff has done it again. Instead of reviewing his review per se, I’ll simply re-assess the topic through the lens of having read his review. The issue with his review is simply that it’s plain-old wrong and short-sighted.

    Nate hates Christmas.
    Nate hates Christmas.

    I know that Nate is older than I am (by a whole two months) and that the onset of his old age is even less graceful than mine. Does this mean that he’s moved into the territory of old-cooted-ness? Apparently yes. He offers no truly negative issues relating to the ballooning of the “Christmas Season,” except that it might begin to eventually float into his late-September birthday. In fact, that very day is already marked by a number of historical events and feasts for a a variety of martyrs . Of course, Nate’s birthday isn’t included in these lists, but I’d wager that the populace at large would be more upset that the Christmas Season is encroaching on the anniversary of the Battle of the Sexes tennis match than Nate’s birthday. That out of the way, onto the more general aspects of “the myth.”

    Yes, the whole “Christmas-thing” starts early every year. But earlier each year? I doubt it. The Junior Staff offers no comparison to either his youth, his parents’ youth, his grandparents’ youth, or even the creepy old guy’s down the street. In fact, he even says that he has “no historical evidence to back it up.” Now, I’m sure that “way back when,” it was different; the times when people walked to school uphill both ways and Christmas shopping, planning, etc. all began at 10am sharp on December 21st. Those were the “good old days,” and that’s the way they likes it (that’s not a typo). It would seem that the Junior Staff subconsciously remembers those times even though he was born during the Reagan administration. At least ten years ago (probably 15), I remember being at what was then the new BJ’s Wholesale Club on Airport Road. It was mid-September, and guess what, there was a section of the store selling Christmas junk (literally…like those robotic Santas that probably start hundreds of fires each year). Maybe the season starting earlier each year is more widespread than in the past, but it’s not like we see Christmas specials in July and August (Christmas in July sales aren’t Christmas sales, thank you very much). If retailers started pushing Christmas in the summer, it probably wouldn’t get very far, as even though there are people who get their Christmas shopping done extremely early in the year, increasing the amount of Christmas advertising early in the year won’t convert the sane people who take care of it nearer to the actual date.

    If Nate wants to complain that it comes early each year, that’s one thing (though it would be a rather trite review, which is probably why he instead reviewed the concept of it coming earlier each year), but giving credence to the myth is just bad news. People like to complain and people like to think it was better in the past. It’s like the story of the sheep who wanted to graze in the neighbor’s grass because it looked better. They went over to the neighbor’s and started to graze, only to then wish they were back on the original side. Well, this whole Christmas Season nonsense is like those sheep, except instead of wanting to graze in the neighbor’s field, they want to use a time machine to graze 20 years ago, when they “remember” that the grass was better. Of course, the grass wasn’t any better and most of them don’t even remember it, and a fair number weren’t even born yet.

    Please don’t be one of those time travelling sheep.

    *

    The Myth of the Christmas Season Starting Earlier Each Year receives one star due to the fact that while not completely a fabrication of the sentimental, it is a greatly exaggerated event. Sure, way back when (maybe the time of Constantine?) Christmas was a day, not a season, but that distinction changed almost equally long ago. In the mean time, the season has grown, but it’s safe to say that it hasn’t been during my (or any of my contemporaries’) lives.

  • Route 100’s New 222 Bypass

    We all hate traffic. We hate sitting in it, we hate being part of it, and most of all, we hate knowing that we’re going to be sitting in it before we’ve left. Even though there are countless trouble areas, a brand new bypass to alleviate one of the more frustrating “hot spots” in the area opened at the end of September.

    bypass
    The less you care, the more this looks like an actual picture of the 222 bypass and not just a random picture I found on the internet.

    Being that I-78 more-or-less serves as the sole high speed connection for the southern Lehigh Valley and US-22 serves as its northern counterpart (then eventually feeds into I-78), it sees a huge traffic flow. Being that (PA) Route 100 serves as a western connection/border for the area, the combination of I-78, US-22, and PA 100 is a traffic jam waiting to happen. Mix in US-222 (an alternative, much slower east/west route between 22 and 78), and it’s deadlock. So, combining the limitations of the roads, the fact that sprawl has moved a considerable amount of housing to the western Lehigh Valley (Trexlertown, Weisenberg, Fogelsville, Alburtis, and on and on), and the fact that there are still plenty of businesses spread throughout all corners of the Lehigh Valley, the infrastructure built in the past couldn’t handle the needs of today (+5 political sound bite bonus!).

    All of this obsolescence became showcased at the intersection of US-222 and PA-100. Traffic lined up “as far as the eye could see” in all four directions at that unfortunate intersection. No dedicated left-turn lanes were the straws which broke the civil engineers’ backs and that was that. [you’ve just finished the ‘how to sound confident in something even when you really have no idea what you’re talking about’ section]

    Anyway, the bypass:

    Judging solely on its challenge vs. solution factor, it passes with flying colors. Once you’re on the bypass itself, it’s smooth sailing as you’re on your way to Trexlertown and points south (even Philadelphia for the masochists out there). There’s no traffic build-up at the light (heck, there is no light), and it’s all sorts of easy to get from the bypass to 222 if you really need to get there (needing to get on 222 when you’re specifically trying to bypass that very road doesn’t make much sense, but sometimes people can’t read maps very well). The very new road surface still has its “just out of the dump truck” smoothness, so it’s like you’re driving on your very own comfort zone. Being that nothing gold can stay, this will change in time, and eventually old people will be complaining about how it needs resurfacing. But for now, it’s primo driving.

    Unfortunately, it’s not perfect. Like most everything else, I don’t ask too much of a road, but is it too much to hope for some pleasant scenery? The bypass seems to always have a noise-blocking wall on one side or the other, and where the wall isn’t is just flat, tree-less scrubland. It would remind me of the dreary moors of Jane Eyre had I not blocked it from my memory after reading it in 9th grade. As time goes on, these desolate plains will most likely become subdivisions, and after people live there for a few years, they’ll complain and petition for sound barrier walls be built on both sides of the road, turning it from a regular road to more of an open-top tunnel. Also, has hype builds up about it and more and more commuters begin to use it, its ease of use will decline (Junior Staff, please note, I’m just throwing that out there; this will not affect the final rating because it would not be fair to review something primarily based on its hype).

    ****

    Route 100’s New 222 Bypass receives 4 stars due its success in fixing a significant traffic snarl in the Lehigh Valley. Unfortunately, its functional success is marred by its aesthetic weakness, no sweeping vistas, no landmarks, heck, the northern section doesn’t even have any trees. It doesn’t look like The Morning Call’s resident “road warrior” Don Hartzell has yet commented on the bypass, so it looks like we have the scoop. I mean, it’s not like we should expect someone with the unassuming title of “Road Warrior” to be on top of these sorts of things or anyway…

  • Verbally Harassing Horses

    It’s not that I don’t like horses; it’s that I don’t like the hub-hub that surrounds them, the people who liken them to people and all that nonsense. So with that in mind, lest PETA or other wackos stumble across this, I’ll go on the record saying, don’t harass horses or other animals. Make sure you let them (the horses) have a piece of your mind, but administer only verbal pain. The Junior Staff might think differently, but I’d hope not.

    horse face
    “Nice teeth, Tooth Face!” — that showed him

    So I was out near Weisenberg (the middle of nowhere, in other words) today, minding my own business. In fact, I was near the middle of nowhere of the middle of nowhere. Roads in the middle of nowhere often serve as borders for farm land. Like I said, driving in the middle of nowhere, minding my own business… when all of a sudden, about 25 yards ahead, I see this horse staring me down. He/She/It is behind a fence and eating whatever it is that horses eat (I’ll let Adam field that one), but instead of a tranquil face of cow-like calm, this horse is looking at me hard. More accurately, he was probably staring in the general direction of the white van I was driving, but as far as I’m concerned, his black, buggy eyes were calling me out.

    Naturally, when I drove up next to him, I stopped, lowered the passenger side window, leaned over, and told him what I thought about him. In a rant that included such highlights as: “Nice teeth, tooth face,” “Next, we’re taking a trip to the glue factory….and you’re not invited!” [Simpsons joke/put-down there], “the whole stable at the Kentucky Derby has carnal knowledge of your mother,” as well as a tirade detailing how all of the frustrations in my life were caused by him, it really seemed like he finally got the “bounceback” karma that had built up after so many years of people driving by and saying, “Look! A Horsey!” Is it my role to portion out karma? In this case, I believe yes. It’s as if this horse understood what was coming to him, that it was simply his time. He didn’t complain, staying at the fence, staring at me, listening to me explain how he’s wasting his life away watching traffic. Now, let it be known that the insults weren’t necessarily my finest, but remember, I didn’t exactly plan on verbally harassing a horse when I woke up this morning.

    I then proceeded to tell him that I run a lowly visited review website, and he was only worth 1 star… on a good day. I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s horse’s back. He took a mouthful of whatever he was eating, looked away, then walked away, apparently finally realizing that I meant business. I raised the window and drove off the bigger man.

    ****

    Verbally Harassing Horses receives four stars due to the fact that it’s free and is a victimless crime, in fact, it’s not a crime at all, I think. There’s something to be said for letting out one’s frustrations in front of what is the breathing equivalent of a wall. Other animals walk away (cats), turn away (cows), don’t get the whole point of it and try to cheer you up by insisting that you take them for a walk (dogs), or lack the facilities to even grasp the fact that not only are you alive, you’re making some sort of noise (chickens). Horses take it all in stride. However, they do lose a point due to the fact that if they ever developed pointy teeth and a taste for mammal blood, we’d all be pre-processed horse food, especially those of us who’ve already expressed our displeasure in them.

  • Getting Older

    I’ve realized recently that I’m rapidly approaching fogey-hood, and I have nothing to show for it. I’m simply older; not wiser, not more experienced, not more distinguished. Just older. As I rapidly approach the beginning of my 23rd year, it’s more and more obvious that it’s all going downhill from now on. Why now instead of my 22nd or 21st year? Well, it all started when I fell, just like when someone refers to an “old” person falling. There’s no good reason (I tripped on a baseball bat too many days ago, a product of my halcyon days of youth, a not too metaphorical symbol of the way my youth consistently laughs at me.), and just like with old people, my shoulder, which was what broke my fall, still hurts. The pain will go away but not the memory of practically being on my way to re-enacting an “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” commercial. In fact, I should probably invest in one of those emergency signal senders for when it happens again.

    (Not so) Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo
    Hunter with Gun = bat, dead buffalo = me. That’s right, it’s metaphor week at emptybookshelf.com

    And of course, There are the inevitable “hair” issues, whether its turning gray or being on its way to Costanza-itis. Gray isn’t distinguished, it’s just gray, especially in splotch form. Granted, it’s not there yet, but it will be. Next is arthritis; being that I already have a re-made knee, it will likely be ground zero for the future infestation. Even for my (also aged) peer group, the now less-than-annual football games create nothing other than increasingly serious injuries and weeks of recovery instead of the day or so of not that many years ago. (In other news, if anyone wants to see or participate in an age-based train wreck, come out to the South Mountain/Dodd athletic field on the Friday after Thanksgiving. That’s Nov. 25 for those of you who don’t believe in taking advantage of Indians.)

    *½

    Getting Older receives one-and-a-half stars due to its inevitability, intransigence, and, uh, in-sucktitude. Why not zero stars? Well, I’m sure that something as omnipotent as aging has a lot of say in the karma department, so I don’t want to make it mad this early in the game.