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  • Thinking You’re Doing Something Original

    Site note: to potentially get some commenting going on, you can now leave a comment without needing to fill-in an e-mail address. What’s that sound? Why, it’s the sound of accountability going out the window!

    Hmmph. I never thought we’d be “pioneers” in this little internet endeavor, but I did think that, at the minimum, we’d bring something new to the table in some capacity. Well, now that we’re about two-and-a-half months into its existence, I’ve found that, no, we’re not even bringing anything new to the table.

    Tis true
    It’s true.

    The story goes something like this:
    Nate’s friend Pete submits this very website into a “community-driven links database” called digg.com. The way it works is anyone can submit a link and its description, then the “community” rates and sort of reviews it. No, digg.com isn’t the source of the frustration; it’s not a “reviews” site by any stretch of the imagination. It provides a framework for categorizing and ranking links that usually have to do with technology, computers, science, etc.; that’s about it. Looking at what Nate’s friend submitted to digg, we see that four people “digg-ed” it and two people thought they had something worthwhile to add to the discussion. Mr. “schwit,” playing the typical “internet”-role, informed everyone (in the form of a question, of course) that this link (our site) has nothing to do with technology, while a second commenter, “JohnH,” trotted out the straw that finally broke the camel’s back, explaining that although “[we’re] ok, [I] thought Lore did it better though: http://bookofratings.com.”

    Please everyone, click that link, and just like me, die a little inside.

    I had mentioned the existence of the “Lore”-person’s site to Nate before I had investigated it thoroughly, but even just scanning it, I knew it would be bad news. Later that same day, I checked it out again, looked through his archives, and saw a very disturbing link to “buy the print version.” This led to the following e-mail to Nate and Adam on 1/1/06 (please note, I’m hilarious all the time, not just when writing reviews):

    (Adam, this is a follow-up to a conversation about the below topic that I had with Nate” I’m sure you can follow without needing to have the conversation explained to you.)

    Here’s the digg.com link.

    This is the website: http://www.bookofratings.com/ It looks like he might’ve stopped updating in 2003.

    It looks like this Lore person (he’s from San Francisco apparently) managed to actually publish a book of his reviews.

    I’d wager that the “Editorial Review” was written by the author, but I won’t hold that against him. What I will hold against him is that fact that he’s practically completely beaten us to the punch and even (potentially/probably) made some money off of it. He even reviewed the seven deadly sins one by one (you can see it in the “look inside this book” on the amazon site).

    I’m okay with the concept of someone else doing a “wacky, random, etc’” reviews website, but looking through the Amazon reader reviews I see: “Now a lot of you “simple minded” folk out there might not be interested due to Lore’s advanced and half made up vocabulary.” Now that’s just plain old reverse gimmick infringement. It doesn’t look like he reviews abstract concepts (“The Hype Surrounding This Week’s Trading Spouses,” Verbally Harassing Horses,” etc.”) but that’s probably just because I haven’t looked closely enough through his archives. The “Old Trading Cards I Bought at a Shop in San Francisco [Parts 1-3]” really seals our fates as imitators. Looking at the left of his reviews page, he has a list of other sites/projects. I’m afraid to click on them as I’m sure that one of them retells the story of his production of an action movie about Ben Franklin in 1999.

    Now more than ever, we suck.

    At the risk of simply repeating the rather straightforward e-mail…that’s right, reverse gimmick infringement. That way, we can blame him for copying us before we even did it. It doesn’t make much sense but it helps me sleep at night.

    His reviews are all much shorter than ours, and it seems he likes reviewing things in list form (such as those baseball cards or “Aspects of Santa part 2”), but he always brings the funny. The reviews aren’t the most insightful, but that’s not his goal. For example, when reviewing “Stuff in the Airline Catalog,” one of the many items evaluated is an Authentic Pachinko Machine about which he says, “I’m just glad it’s authentic, because once I ordered a pachinko game and I forgot to check the “authentic” box and they sent me one of those little Cracker Jack toys where you have the get the little bee-bees on the puppy’s eyes or something and it lacked that authentic pachinko experience that I was hoping for.” To get an impression on the general length of his reviews, that’s the whole thing for the “pachinko machine,” but it was one of the six items in the “airline catalog” review. Disturbingly, it sounds just like something Nate or I would say, except this guy said it sometime before 2003, a good 3 years ago.

    Nate mentioned that many of the reviews are focused on “internet-popular things,” and we usually avoid that stuff, but to be fair for each “Dungeons and Dragons“-related review, he has one like “Types of Band-Aids.” Because some none of you are looking to mesh his reviews with ours, he uses a traditional letter grading, making his “A+” equivalent to our….oh, never mind.

    ½

    Thinking You’re Doing Something Original receives half of one star due to the fact that not only is the internet unfathomably huge, it’s been huge for quite some time, and is getting, uh, huger, and that combination means that the likelihood of anyone doing something original dwindles each day. I mean, that’s fine, it’s progress and all, and don’t worry, we’re not going to be like Natalie Portman’s character in Garden State and being wacky/weird/random for the sake of originality, but I can’t help but think I won’t be at least a bit self-conscious about making sure I don’t review things that are already reviewed by our more trailblazing precursors. I’m sure that most people (meaning: our readership) probably don’t consider this to be too big a deal, but the amount of time it takes to write a what-we-hope-to-be-good review, much less maintain the website, it’s frustrating to see it sort of in someone else’s “been there, done that” category. Yeah, yeah, we know that we choose to spend the time writing, maintaining, etc., and we know that we’re only “busy” for the amount of time that we choose to spend, but still, it’s the principle of it. We get the half-star because our reviews aren’t one-trick ponies and we do evaluate serious things every now and then, something Mr. Lore seems to be too good for.

  • Pitchfork Media’s Top Album and Top Single of 2005

    Obviously, at year’s end the opinion-based media puts out best of/worst of collections to (again, obviously) serve as “year-in-review” without going month-by-month, the same way that respected publications don’t review albums track-by-track, instead covering the highlights of the “grand scheme” of the album, then investigating the highlights of particular tracks. Pitchfork Media, which is one of the leading internet-based music sites is known for their devotion to “indie” music, though they do review non-indie music, specifically higher profile hip-hop/rap albums. To get a feel for their editorial slant, the best comparison is that the way that Spin seems “indier” than Rolling Stone, Pitchfork Media is just as “indier” to Spin. In fact, Pitch Fork Media sometimes makes even Spin seem like Tiger Beat (to keep the magazine theme going). To get an impression of Pitchfork’s expectations, Weezer’s most recent album, was given a 0.4 out of 10. Weezer never really spent much time as an “indie” band, as “The Sweater Song” and “Say it Ain’t So” were rather successful singles from their debut album, but their other albums have been reviewed in less than a favorable light, and needless to say 0.4 out of 10 is the type of review you’d give to a band that has carnal knowledge of one’s mother, especially considering how much other music came out in 2005 that they didn’t even bother to review. For those of you concerned about bias showing up in my review, don’t fret; I didn’t like the most recent Weezer album either, but it wasn’t 0.4 out of 10 bad, more like 5.5 or 6. Keeping in mind that if I were to give them a 0.4, I can’t imagine to what degree my personal reviewing index would be messed up if I had to somehow figure out what I’d give a Scott Stapp CD. With such strong opinions, they’ve developed some “haters.” Tuning Fork is a blog which (supposedly) reviews Pitch Fork’s reviews, and Sub Pop made a parody site entitled Popdork News. Enough about Pitch Fork Media. They gathered lists of the top 50 albums and singles of the year, and I’m going to review their top picks.

    I\'m sorry
    A likely pitchforkmedia.com reader.

    First and foremost, this review will be of both the top picks together. That way, it’s a bit more than just reviewing the top album and single, it also leaves room for nitpicking of the pitchfork folks, though honestly, I’ll focus on the music, as the musically pretentious are usually critic-proof, if not critics themselves.

    As the top album selected, Sufjan Stevens’ Illinois is quite the challenging pick, if only because The White Stripes released an album in 2005 and music critics love The White Stripes. In full disclosure, I had previously heard two songs from the record on the radio, but I didn’t actually realize they were from this record, so I was pleasantly surprised that once I tracked down the album, I could finally place the songs that had wondered about months prior. Well, the album itself is quite a collection. Mr. Stevens apparently has designs to make an album about each of the 50 states, but he’s in his 20’s and only has Michigan and Illinois to show for it in three years. That doesn’t change the quality of the music, but unless he ramps up his output, he’s going to be one of the busiest 140 year-olds I’ll have heard of.

    The album which, as the title suggests, involves the state of Abraham Lincoln and covers all sorts of Illinois-centered topics, including such random topics as Casimir Pulaski Day. I’m not reading between the lines: track 10 is titled “Casimir Pulaski Day.” In terms of whether or not the album meets the stringent requirements of Pitchfork Media? Let’s investigate.

    • singer-songwriter vibe? — check
    • bizarre instrumentation? —check
    • simultaneously straight-forward and “deep” lyrics? — check
    • a bit off-putting on the first listen-thru? — check

    Moving away from those categories, in all seriousness, it’s a particularly solid album. Most every song is memorable, and none sound alike yet aren’t out of place. The highlights, Track 1: “Concerning the UFO Sighting Near Highland Illinois,” Track 3: “Come on! Feel the Illinoise!,” and Track 9: “Chicago.” Whether or not it’s fair to be called “The Best Album of 2005” is not something I’m prepared to answer. Music critics live ina weird world where they seemingly are only interested in current music. Reviews aren’t released for albums that came out months ago and were missed; that’d show that the critics weren’t on top of things, and they lose “indie rock cred.” Needless to say, they listen to a lot of music in a calendar year, so being that I probably haven’t heard much of it, I’ll reserve judgement. Being that I’m not a music critic and have the luxury of seemingly have “older” music be my “new” music, I’ll say that “Give Up” by The Postal Service was probably my favorite album new to me in 2005, though it came out in 2003. All of that in mind, I’d consider “Illinois” to potentially be a fair pick for 2005 once I have enough hindsight working for me.

    Pitchfork’s top single was a bit less agreeable to me. They picked “Hope There’s Someone” by Antony and the Johnsons. Nothing like (what I assume to be) a big sweaty white guy plaintively singing love songs like a big sweaty black woman. I’ll mention that his schtick is of the variety that “those that get it love it, and those that don’t get it never will.” Oh, I get it, and it stinks. People that can’t stand sardines aren’t “not getting it;” they’re just more sensitive to crap. To be fair, I’m talking only of the single, “Hope There’s Someone,” I’m not sure of the whole of the album, but Pitchfork didn’t pick it as its #1. The song itself…well, I’ll let the opening lyrics speak for its “message”…

    Hope there’s someone
    Who’ll take care of me
    When I die, will I go

    Hope there’s someone
    Who’ll set my heart free
    Nice to hold when I’m tired

    Now, let it be said that there’s nothing wrong with those words, in fact, if I didn’t have to keep up my tough-guy persona, I’d even call them “nice.” But, are they, as a Pitchfork writer called them part of a “quiet, unself-conscious elegy for that long-lost bohemia, which was eventually decimated by AIDS, drugs, gentrification, and, perhaps, its own success” No thank you.

    Musically, you’d like listening to Antony‘s singing if you’re intrigued by someone singing just like Aaron Neville, but in the Alto range instead of the Soprano. Strike One. You say you also liked to listen to that guy in high school who’d sit and the piano with the knowledge of three chords and that banging the keys makes everything more dramatic. Strike Two. Being that this is Canadian Baseball, the song’s out.

    ***

    Pitchfork Media’s Top Album and Top Single of 2005 receives three stars due to their insistence on keeping up their “indie rock cred” no matter what the cost. Of course, their top 10 singles were all over the place in terms of the whole indie rock thing (though “Since You Been Gone” does deserve a place on the list), but there’s nothing wrong with expanding horizons, at least temporarily. The top album was a great choice, but their top single fits the stereotypes just too well.

  • Christmas 2005

    Be sure to check out Nate’s review of Christmas cards that this review “posted over” tonight. Sorry Nate, I’m just trying to take care of the Christmas Night Media Blitz.

    One more down, and lots more to go. It’s not like I hate Christmas, it’s just that I’m a good number of years away from when Christmas was truly an event. I’d like to think that this isn’t just a product of having grown past the age of getting excited about the concept of new toys, but I think in our crass, commercial-driven society, that might very well be the case. As we always disclaim when mentioning something that is not specifically the review’s topic/title, this isn’t a review of “Christmas,” but of Christmas 2005.

    Christmas
    Today was a lot like Christmas in July, but even more like Christmas in December.

    We usually hesitate to review things using a rigid structure as that significantly affects the “delivery” of our jokes, insights, etc. that our readership expects of us. I’d call out Kurt’s review of some computer magazine that he did suspiciously near the launching of this website as an example of this, but being that he runs his site on his computer in his dorm room, it’ll be unavailable until he’s back on campus. Needless to say, that review will be the focal point of my review of his site. Anyway, we will go through the day mentioning those “rigid structures,” but not in some sort of bulleted list.

    Needless to say, today was incredibly warm for the season. Downright “mild” as the weatherman might say. Some enjoy these equatorial temperatures, but it’s just not right, especially on Christmas. Beyond that, it was rainy. Way rainy. There’s something to be said for snow on Christmas, but of course we remember three years ago when all it did was make the roads treacherous, but rain on Christmas…that’s just dreary. Heck, if we’re lucky, it’ll go below freezing tonight so that it’s a commuting disaster tomorrow morning. Minus 1 star.

    Christmas is more-or-less the beginning of the almost two month “window” and for good reason. It’s been rather true-to-form for a number of years and continues to be, almost more so each year. Minus 1.

    Why do brown sugar and ham go together so well? Chemistry has taught me that reactions are sped up by temperature, so maybe it’s the fact that the ham was served “hors d’oeuvres-style” and the brown sugar crystals had been emplaced on the outside of the ham. All this leads to the fact that when you taste the brown sugar separately from the ham, it’s especially good (remember all the talk about chemical reactions at the beginning of the paragraph? See, the sugar and ham flavors don’t mix until you actually eat it.). Highly recommended. Unfortunately, no desserts were prepared, brought, etc. And oh yeah, every year I end up eating something that doesn’t agree with my constitution. Needless to say, it happened again. Minus 0, Plus 0.

    To be honest, gifts really aren’t that big of a deal anymore for the “feel” of Christmas, so they’re immaterial for the review. But, supporting details for the gifts do count. Needless to say, to mention that my brother was dumb-founded by the interface of a modded Xbox and the programs it enables is an understatement, but to be fair, I had a doozy of a time until I got used to all of it. Again, needless to say I could be putting a lot of time in in “tech support.” Of course, that’s no fault but my own, so I can’t hold the Holiday at fault for it. Minus 0, Plus 0.

    **½

    Christmas 2005 receives two-and-a-half stars due to its nature of being much like most previous Christmases. New to this year was uncharacteristically warm weather and bouts of precipitation that would’ve sent Noah back to the lumberyard. Oh yeah, my family also didn’t/doesn’t have a Christmas Tree because of the super-incompetence of the “contractor” (not) working on our new kitchen and taking up space throughout that part of the house. That’s enough for at least another half-star off.

  • Christmas Cards


    Worst. Christmas. Card. Ever.

    I’m taking a little break in my continuing series of reviews on my collection of Nintendo games, but fear not, I still have some doozies to share. That’s right. I just said “Doozy”.

    I didn’t send out Christmas cards last year. It was kinda a big deal because the year before, I had found these absolutely stupid cards that (in obvious attempts to not show any sort of holiday, save the season of winter, which isn’t much of a holiday if you ask me) featured a dog in a doghouse, outside, in a snowy scene, while people were inside enjoying some egg nog or whatever you crazy kids drink these days. There was actually no writing on the inside (at least none that was important enough for me to remember), and so I wrote something about wishing people that their holidays were filled with many dogs freezing in the cold, a mean-spirited Christmas wish that was poking fun at the actual card more than actually wishing that people would let their dog freeze. A good laugh was had by many, except for the heartless.

    I’m not sure what the reason was last year for me to be so lax in my Christmas-type things, but in any case, I didn’t send out cards. This year, six months after graduation, it’s the first holiday in four years that I haven’t been with my college friends at some time remotely near Christmas/Hanukkah, so I figured that it would be as good a time as any to send cards with some catching up, sort of brief, remotely witty notes from myself. I believe that I started this like two weeks ago (the 8th), thinking that I would be able to find addresses for people that I haven’t talked to since graduation in that amount of time. The bad part about this is that it’s like one of those high school/college essays/projects that you get at the beginning of the year and you know you need to work on it. You spend each week thinking about a goal (“I’ll have this much written by Friday”), but then other work, and all the toils and troubles of daily life prevent you from getting to it. The work just sits there, because you know you only have a few minutes of free time and really need at least an hour free for it to even be worth working on. Then finally the due date comes, but instead of the project being worth 50% of your grade, you realize that it’s just for bonus points and you really don’t need to do it. You may want to because you’re only getting a n 8% in the class, but you just can’t bring yourself to do it.

    That was a long metaphor for where I’m at right now. The only things that are really still keeping me interested in sending these cards are that I spent the money on them, I spent the time to write them out, and they’re nice little things for people that I haven’t talked to in a while to receive, which is the reason why I bought them in the first place. That, and keeping in touch with them increases my chances of one day being actually employed in the real world…. but mostly just to be that guy who tries to keep in touch with people.

    Getting more to the point at hand; Chirstmas cards are the one thing that allow us to decide the difference between friends&acquaintances, and just people we know. (I put the word “acquaintance” as a separate category of people, higher than “people we know”) It’s almost a less important version of trying to figure out who to invite to your wedding. The difference in that case is that the acquaintances don’t get invited. When it comes to Christmas cards, everyone is fair game for sending. Remember that distant aunt who used to pinch your cheeks and you’d sometimes go to visit at her house about ten years ago when she fed you pimento loaf, because she loved it, while you just rolled it up and gave it to the dog? If you don’t send her a card, she’ll probably think you’ve forgotten who she is, and she’ll be so devastated that she’ll probably leave you out of her will, and there goes that original press version of “A Tale of Two Cities” that you always wanted. You really need to come up with a list of people that you know, no matter where from, and decide whether these people are worth knowing anymore or not, because face it, when they don’t get a Christmas card from you, consider yourself ignored when you see them at the mall.

    Of course if you are a member of the Christmas card-sending group of people (many of you aren’t, for shame), it’s actually a more awkward thing sometimes to receive them. Say your aunt’s neighbor, Sheila, used to babysit you when you were visiting the aunt, and the aunt went out to play Parcheesi. Say Sheila, after many times of having read you “Goodnight Moon”, but not having spoken to her in ten years, decides to send you a Christmas card. Is it now a prerequisite that you, in turn, add her to your list? If so, do you hustle to get her one before the holiday season is over, or just say “aww to hell with it”, and add her to the bottom of next year’s cards (no doubt the ugly leftovers from Christmas Card packs past)?

    I guess for me it boils down to the point that I would like to send these cards out, even though the only thing I’ll be getting in return is some vague idea that people somewhere are getting my well-wishes for the season. My problem is that it’s so low on my priority list (plus getting addresses for 30 people takes a lot of legwork) that these cards will more than likely turn into Martin Luther King Jr. Day Cards (although I would hope not, because the cards really don’t have much to do with Civil Rights… in fact half of them are about yet another dog freezing in the snow). I would hope that people would understand, and be happy because they’re at least getting cards, which, if you’re my age, is something that happens quite rarely. Or perhaps better rephrased “…which, if you’re ME, is something that happens quite rarely”.

    **½
    I’m torn on the subject of Christmas cards, because while they create an enormous hassle and a (sometimes deadly) hierarchy of friends/acquaintances, they’re also a nice reminder that some people out there (many of whom we haven’t talked to in 5 years) still remember us enough to send us a nice note in the mail. It also feels good to know that people do get them and appreciate them, but bad to know that other people are sending them, and you’re not getting any…. cards, that is… yeah I realized how that sounded and fixed it. I guess I should really go and try to send those out now, but I’ve gotta go get some other stuff done.

  • NES Games – Where’s Waldo


    Where’s Waldo? If you said, “In the upper right corner”, who knows? Maybe you’re right.

    I was really into the whole “Where’s Waldo” fad when I was a kid. I think it had to do with the fact that I was reading a book without having to do any reading… I always liked to take the easy way out. I had all of the books: “Where’s Waldo?“, “Find Waldo Now“, and “The Great Waldo Search“. I even had the giant Waldo book, the small paperback with all the activities to do, and the fourth book, “Where’s Waldo in Hollywood?“, among various other puzzles and even a popcorn tin… yes a popcorn tin. So of course, it would go without saying that I had/have the Nintendo game. Strangely, though, the reason that I read the books was not necessarily to find Waldo. I know, I know, the title says “Find Waldo Now”, as if it were some sort of angry, authoritarian military leader, barking orders at me. Well, here’s the thing. Those pictures were filled with more than a guy in a tacky striped suit and hat. There were hundreds of sight gags per page, and always different ones throughout the book. The more you looked for Waldo, the more you found clever little drawings and scenarios. This was the real reason that I “read” these books; it kept me entertained for hours.

    Anyway. This game, “Where’s Waldo”. The story is basically the same. You have to find Waldo in a bunch of different pictures. You have a certain amount of time at the start, and it counts down during each level. The time spent finding him is cumulative, so it’s best to find him as quickly as possible in the beginning levels, because the end levels will screw you over. In addition to that challenge, every time you guess that you found Waldo, and it’s actually not him, you get ten seconds taken off of your clock. And there are about 8 levels. Again, I say this as if these “levels” are some sort of obstacle course of bad guys or something. No. The levels consist of a still picture and a cursor. You move the cursor over to where you think Waldo is, and then push A. That’s it. That’s how you play the stupid game. I mean I guess I couldn’t ask for it to be closer to the source material; after all, that was my major gripe with Ducktales (that and the complicated attack method). Unfortunately, as the Waldo books weren’t all that exciting to begin with, this is a case where an upgrade was needed. There had just been a Where’s Waldo Cartoon show on CBS starring Brad Garrett from that Raymond show. Why couldn’t they have done something involving that?

    Okay, so not only do they manage to take a boring idea for a video game, and actually create a boring video game, but they take all the fun out of the book. That may sound a little confusing and redundant, so let me explain. The idea of a video game where you search for an object on a still image is an incredibly boring idea for a video game, yet they made it, hoping it would sell on the brand name and the incredibly weird fans (of which it’s not inaccurate to say that I was a member… but I was 8, sue me), instead of developing something interesting to do with it. Next, in making this book into a video game, they took all of the interesting things out of it by giving us a time limit to find him, making us rush through the picture. I guess, however, that it’s not that big of a loss, as the pictures are about as terrible as you can get. Waldo pretty much consists of about 5 pixels, colored in red white and blue, mixed in somewhere among other similar blobs, many of them also colored red, white, and blue, just to throw you off. In fact, Waldo doesn’t even look like the same blob in each level. Sometimes it looks like he’s wearing brown pants; sometimes he’s small; sometimes he blocked by a car, and only half of him is showing. The easy level is anything but easy because of this, and as you go down to medium and difficult, there is a big jump in difficulty.

    As the levels get harder, your cursor gets smaller, the counter starts with less time on it, , and the kicker: the screen grows in size. So now, in addition to searching for “Waldo” on one screen, you have to use your cursor to scroll over to an entirely different screen of blocky, pixelated stick figures that may or may not be him. So basically the motto of this is, don’t play on medium or hard. In fact, don’t play it at all.

    I do think that the people who made the game realized how boring it probably was, because they actually threw in three levels that don’t fit the regular format. The first one is “THE CAVE”, in which you have to move your cursor around a black screen to find Waldo, whom you can’t see, but is walking around really fast. Your cursor acts like a flashlight, and if you see a bit of him and hit “A” in time, you turn the lights on and can move Waldo. You can then leave the room and go to the next pointless level, or take the biggest risk in the game and select the hourglass icon in the cave, which will either give you 100 seconds or take 100 seconds away. I think it’s about a 2/1 ratio in favor of subtracting the seconds. The second strange level is some weird 2-D maze thing called the subway, but it’s the last one that’s the killer. On the side panel of the rocket ship, you have to play a slot machine game, kinda like in mario 3, to get all of the windows to have a picture of Waldo on them, before time runs out. Then, and only then, can you ride in the spaceship and take a walk on the moon. That’s right. The only qualifications for Waldo to go to the moon are for him to walk through a myriad of places including, but not limited to, the circus, the city, a castle, and the woods, and have his face appear on the side of a rocket. No wonder the Russians have such a good space program.


    When the most exciting part of the game is watching this idiot take 25 seconds to walk from one level to the next, you know the game isn’t going to get more than one star.

    ½

    This game sucks. There’s nothing else to say. This is THE reason why Roger Ebert hates video games. The people involved took such an incredibly easy concept and made it very difficult for themselves and the players, and what’s more, no fun to play. And if it’s not fun to play, it’s not worth buying. I mean seriously, if they can make plumbers go down pipes, and ducks “Pogo Jump” on snakes, you’d think that they’d be capable of making a decent still image, but you’d be thinking wrong. Also, just to mention it, this game did make seanbaby.com’s list of the twenty worst NES games ever, which kinda makes me proud to own such an abomination.

  • Block I of CUCVM, the Human Ribcage (1984 model), and Misc.

    Note: I originally rated my final subject as a 1.5 star performance due to what I felt was excessive plagiarism. However, before I could publish this, our dictator chose to steal my triple-review format (though he admits this freely). Therefore, I awarded myself another half-star. Damn, Commies.

    Okay, I’ll be honest…I’ve been slacking it on this website. Many (meaning the eight dedicated readers we have) may remember when Nate even semi-demanded me to start posting. Maybe it was because I was a little too proud (probably not), but mostly it was due to time constraints and the simple fact that I have very little occurring in my life that I consider worthy of rating or that I could make it remotely entertaining. Now that I’ve graced the pages of this website, does this mean that I’ve overcome these obstacles? Absolutely not. Unfortunately for all of us, this probably won’t stop any of our readers from continuing. So, now that I’ve managed to take advantage of what little downtime is so rarely presented to me during my endless pursuit of a respectable career, what have I chosen to review? I knew my topic had to be gripping, with bouts of violence, wit, romance, all while being constantly intelligent and entertaining. Of course, I threw all of these notions out the window when Dan decided to yet again pansy-fy me publicly (again, having readers in the single digits makes it no more public than usual, but it’s the principle that the public could eventually read it). So gather ’round as Adam recounts his version of the story.

    So we were playing football the day after Thanksgiving. There were about ten people there, which is a pleasantly complete number, as any larger might encourage Dan to set up real offensive and defensive lines and eventually result in a lot of cussing. All of the Goletz siblings were there: Greg(g), Dave, and Tim. The significance being that they all share the same genetic foundations and therefore it can be inferred that Dave and Tim possess judgement skills about on par with Gregg. Dan duffed a pass (not unusual in the cold) as I was crossing over, but not looking in the general direction of the play. Following my QB’s directive I picked up what I thought to be a fumble and was quickly pushed down by my defender, one Josh “Barney” Clark (notice that had it been a fumble, I would have been ruled down by contact at that point). Landing flush on my right side, I took a moment to make sure the ball was secured, only to see Tim Gloetz run up, and jump into the air before landing on my left arm and pushing it into my chest.

    To say the least, the pain was exquisite, but seemed well-focused in the upper left of my ribs, much more so than just having the wind knocked out of me. The downside to having completed the anatomy intense portion of a sorta-medical program and having not yet started the physiology intense portion is that when an injury occurs, you automatically think of everything that may have gone wrong, but have no idea how to definitively diagnose it. Big words like atelectasis, hemomediastinum, and pneumothorax began running through my head, though I couldn’t quite remember what any of them meant. Anyway, I shook off the pain after a few plays of minimal movement and went on to have Barney fall on my chest as well as Gregg, during a sports-blooper reel-worthy post-interception clobbering.


    Ouch…my pride (though it looks more delicious as it is tenderized)

    Skip ahead to the following Tuesday. By this time, all of my bruises had healed, yet the chest pain persisted. Worse yet, it had seemed to intensify beyond my perception of a deep muscle bruise and prevented me from accomplishing much in the department of physical activity.

    All of this lead to the following conversation between a physician and me:

    Dr (compressing 3rd rib): Does this hurt?
    Me: Yes.
    Dr (4th rib): Now?
    Me: Yes.
    Dr (5th rib, as I watch my chest push inward): Now?
    Me: Christ! Don’t do that again!

    So…yeah. I broke my left fifth rib about three centimeters from the sternum; my first professionally-confirmed broken bone. It hurts like Hell and never seems to get better given that both treatments for it only seem to worsen the condition. Local heat, meant to increase blood flow to the area and thus facilitate healing, also increases pressure on the chest. Icing the area, meant to bring down the swelling, does so but results in the bone becoming more mobile, irritating the area and swelling yet again.

    ***½

    Block I (the Animal Body) of Cornell University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, receives 3.5 stars for it’s ability to cram 1.5 years of anatomy into a 2.5 month curriculum and still manages to assist students in retaining the information. Unfortunately, the program loses points due to its questionable layout in teaching students locations and relationships of organs and body systems, but waiting to explain functions/dysfunctions of said systems until well into the students second year. This inevitably leads to worry over the numerous conditions that may occur without having any information or knowledge to confirm or disprove those worries.

    ***

    The 1984 model of the human ribcage receives 3 stars, based purely on its stellar reputation for protecting vital organs, yet its apparent (and hopefully rare) failure to hold its integrity after only 21 years of use. 3 stars may seem like a generous score for a product that, in all honesty, failed to meet my expectations. It’s also a scary thought to consider that the first component of the structure to fail was located in an area that, had the break been more serious, could have compromised my trachea, esophagus, heart, and lungs. However, it gains a few points given that its only failure to this date was at the hands of the Goletz brothers…who, as history has proven, serve only to destroy all that is good and bring misery to the world.

    **

    Adam’s first review receives 2 stars on account of its complete lack of focus and inability to capture the true, judgemental spirit of this website by serving to tell a story more so than constructively reviewing a topic. I mean (come on!), what’s with all the cheap shots at the Goletzs-es? Throw in the blatant plagiarism of Dan’s earlier post in an attempt to mock him, and you’ve got a pretty piss-poor review. It’s only saving grace is that it was a decent inaugural effort and displayed a touch of originality in its (once) unprecedented uber-triple-header format. Let’s hear it for obnoxiousness.

  • Roger Ebert’s Take on Video Games

    Quick site note: This is the first review of either many or zero more that will use “tips.” When hovering over some links, text will pop-up near your cursor. We’re not yet sure whether it’s annoying or if it enhances the writing. I especially find myself drowning in a sea of parenthesis, and these “tips” solve that problem in a way that writing on paper never could. Feedback please.

    Lately the non-review sections Roger Ebert’s website have been filled with discussion on the merits of video games versus movies, and “the internet” has been abuzz with him being an out-of-touch old man. His weekly answer-man column has addressed the issue multiple times, namely his lack of interest in video games, in general. I can’t find the absolute starting point for the whole debate, but I think it has to do with a reader objecting to Ebert’s awarding of one star to the movie adaptation of DOOM (he uses a four star system for those of you wondering how to reconcile his reviews with ours.). The reader basically took offense at his generous one star review because one section of the other-wise unremarkable adaptation paid super-close homage to the game. Ebert sufficiently served the reader by explaining that video game websites review movies on their own terms, and he will continue to review movies on his. What started the “controversy” was his final comment in his response:

    “As long as there is a great movie unseen or a great book unread, I will continue to be unable to find the time to play video games.”

    This lead to (what I can only assume to be) countless angry letters of video game fans defending their XBoxen and poorly translated, endlessly sequeled, Japanese-sourced games (i.e. the Metal Gear and “Final” Fantasy series, etc.). True, that’s my bias showing through, but in the response to the letter that Ebert decided to run, he explained:

    “I am prepared to believe that video games can be elegant, subtle, sophisticated, challenging and visually wonderful. But I believe the nature of the medium prevents it from moving beyond craftsmanship to the stature of art.”

    That’s the one that really got the internet in a tizzy.

    ebert
    You’d think that after writing all of this, I’d be able to think of a funny caption. Well, that’s not the case.

    The problem with video game fans (in general) is that they are relentlessly but selectively enthusiastic about their “art” of choice. There’s no point for me to write an e-mail to the movie “Answer Man” being that it will be lost in the mountains of “You’ve never played Halo, Resident Evil, Final Fantasies 1 through 12, etc. so you suck” type letters (not that I’d assume it’d automatically be printed of course. I’m sure that every e-mail is read, but I think Jim Emerson (The site’s editor/blogger) probably handles most of the filtering). So, being that I have my own internet soapbox that ends in .com, here I go.

    Without backing any of it up with fact or definitive history, I can guarantee that every medium of art has had to deal with detractors. Movies weren’t widely accepted as having any worthwhile value at their inception, especially considering that mankind had gotten used to the previous status quo from the past two-thousand+ years of seeing live actors performing on stage. On top of that, even movements within each art form have faced critics (again, with the lack of facts or evidence). People still argue about the merits of Jackson Pollack imagine hundreds of years ago, when Baroque music was developing and becoming (again) the status quo, and *gasp* didn’t base all of its harmony on the 4th. Sure, the now “normal” root-3rd-5th harmony sounds right, but back then a lot of people didn’t like it one bit due to the “profane” nature of the major-3rd harmony (in terms backing that up, I’ll hold a music professor I had responsible for defending that bit of trivia). In philosophical terms, the video game “medium” is about 25 years old and in only its second major movement. Consider the first to be the 2D era, started with the first Atari system and ended with Super Nintendo and Genesis. The second is the 3D era, started with the Sony Playstation, Nintendo 64, and Sega Saturn. The third (sub)wave of the 3D era began in late November of 2005 when Microsoft began shipping the XBox 360. As mentioned earlier, gamers are notoriously selective in their passions, and some choose to be passionate about the hardware aspect of video gaming, so in response to those people:

    1. I know I’m glossing over lots of other systems.
    2. I know that Genesis came out before Super Nintendo.
    3. Atari probably wasn’t the first system, but realistically it started the whole console “thing.”
    4. I know that 2D games have come out for the “3D” systems — especially Sega Dreamcast, but 2D vs. 3D is too significant of a divide to ignore.

    Structured music went through quite a bit of development before anything gained an historical foothold; specifically, J.S. Bach and Handel are still being widely performed today while almost the whole of still-existing Renaissance and Medieval music is relegated to prominence in academic environments only. Sure, movies “came of age” much more quickly than music (or even painting), with films from about thirty years after the proliferation of the medium still widely considered classics. Interestingly enough, film also experienced several technical and artistic waves. (The “maturation of computer-generated effects” probably being the academic-sounding, retrospective categorization of today’s “wave.”)

    Video games have not yet experienced a true second artistic wave (the 2D/3D divide is of a technical nature). The gameplay advances of Grand Theft Auto 3 (namely, go wherever you want, do whatever you want, follow a story or play randomly) have inspired countless similar titles the same way that DOOM began a wave of 1st person shooters in 1993. They offered different experiences, but neither was the quantum leap experienced by movie-goers attending the first “talkies” in the 1920’s. Newer hardware generations have enabled new features (namely graphical, some incredible advances in AI) in first-person shooters (and eventually bigger, prettier worlds in GTA-style games).

    Anyone who says that once Roger Ebert would play Halo or any other mass-market game, Ebert would develop a huge appreciation and change his mind is simply wrong. Halo’s story serves merely to give the player a reason to shoot things. Similarly, Grand Theft Autos’ stories (any game in the series, even way back into its 2D, overhead days) simply provide a reason to take part in the shenanigans for which the games have become (in)famous. Limiting the lens to newer games, even the story of Metroid Prime is just a tool the developers used to make the shooting more compelling, not the other way around. It’s not that there aren’t story-driven titles among newer games, it’s just that in popular games it’s supplemental. I know there are ambitiously enthusiastic fans of the story in the Halo games, but ask yourself if you’d play the game any differently if there were no story, just the mission goals list, then shooting things until the next numbered list appears, rinse, repeat. So, no, I’m not claiming that “new” (more accurately, “popular”) games are bad, just that they serve as poor evidence in one’s claim that video games are narratively engaging.

    So, as a bit of a disclaimer, I’d consider my interest in current video games to be passive. I’m interested enough to read game reviews or watch someone play for about 10 minutes or so, but I don’t participate. I own no consoles and the video card in my computer is from 2001. I’ve watched people play FarCry, Half-Life 2, DOOM III, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, both Halos and on and on. (Those games are almost all shooters, but a complete list would be excessive, and these are some of the most popular and loudly defended of the last couple of years). I hold no grudge towards new games, but my personal “golden age” of video gaming passed sometime in the late 90’s. Most recently, the games I’ve spent any considerable amount of time playing have been the Genesis version of John Madden NFL ’98 and the arcade version of Super Puzzle Fighter 2 Turbo, both running on a friend’s modded Xbox. As the understatement of the year, neither of these games is exactly what we’d consider story-heavy, but in terms of bringing things full circle, provide a very social experience with a group of people, exactly what is marketed as the number one feature of Microsoft’s Xbox 360, not its currently man-beast-esque hardware capabilities.

    Directly addressing Roger Ebert, we’ll now present the definitive example of the “video game as art” discussion:

    “I did indeed consider videogames inherently inferior to film and literature. There is a structural reason for that: Videogames by their nature require player choices, which is the opposite of the strategy of serious film and literature, which requires authorial control.”

    At risk of this becoming a “my favorite game is more obscure than your favorite game” reverse sales-measuring contest, let’s first throw out every RPG. Ebert’s comment about “authorial control” initially sounds too heavy-handed to be anything other than hyperbole, but it should be painfully accurate to RPG players. A decently modeled RPG lets the player assume the “role” of a character (or group of characters); the user can choose for his game play experience to be as dull as desired. His or her experience will be different than another player’s. Sure, that sounds ideal, even enough to potentially consider that to be the ideal example of the one thing that would skew video games toward “art” status. But think of Choose Your Own Adventure books; they offer a choice in the reader making his or her own story. The first reaction to that is, “But they’re kids books, they’re not supposed to be good.” It goes without saying that there are plenty of widely appealing kids’ books, and if there were adult-oriented Choose Your Own Adventure books, would anyone read them? Would they be considered “literature?” Nope; and for good reason. It’s just a gimmick.

    There are two story-heavy genres in video gaming. Role-Playing Games and Adventure games. (This is where I’m looking to avoid the obscurity-related reverse penis size contest.) RPG’s having already been justifiably thrown out, that leaves Adventure games. Most anyone with a passing interest in video games has played an adventure game, but their popular peak was both dramatically short and intensely focused on one title (which really wasn’t that great of a game, all things retrospectively considered ). MYST (aside from being considered the “killer app” for PC CD-ROM drives) was hugely successful, and was undeniably an adventure game. There was a set story, and very little room for non-linearity; provided you could figure out the “oh yeah, I guess that makes sense” puzzles, you were undoubtedly under the control of some “authorial” figure as you played. Though the graphics contributed to the overall mood, it was really the story and “art direction” that truly established the player’s sense of loneliness on the island throughout its history. The story created the puzzles (the single element of “gameplay”), not the other way around. Though this isn’t a review of MYST, it needs to be noted that it actually offered a rather passive gameplay experience; the puzzles were simplistic, the story, dull, but the mind-bendingly amazing (for 1995) graphics sold everyone. Unfortunately, it became the benchmark for the Adventure game genre, causing most everyone to think them dull and pretty-yet-vapid after most people were left thinking “Gee, I don’t get it” after either finishing the game (or more likely) giving up after getting one’s fill of pretty pre-rendered pictures.

    With the genre’s prime and popular example painting such an ugly picture for average users as time went on, the “mass market” PC gamers moved back towards more interactive games (such as Quake, more-or-less the beginning of the PC’s true 3D boom). During this time, adventure games were still being made, and George Lucas of all people was responsible for some of the best. Okay, George Lucas’ company actually made them, but trivia’s trivia. Sam & Max Hit the Road, Day of the Tentacle, Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis, and Full Throttle were some of the best received adventure games of their time and are widely considered the classics of the era. Just like every other genre eventually shifted to 3D, adventure games followed suit.

    LucasArts’ first of two 3D adventure game offered one of the most interactively cinematical experiences in games, ever, no matter the genre. Limiting the focus of the “video games as art” discussion to whether or not video games present the “authorial control” apparently required by art, Grim Fandango offered the “authorial control” of a movie, while engrossing the player in ways that movies and books simply can’t. Loosely inspired by some sort of Central American mythology of multiple underworlds, and souls wanting to end up in the final, 9th underworld, you play as Manny Calavera, a sort of travel agent in limbo between life and death. Manny “sells” travel packages for different routes to the underworld; the better the prospective travellers lived their lives, the quicker their trip to the 9th underworld. The “cleanest” souls get to ride on the “Number 9” train which speeds them right to heaven, while those that face the travel agent (Manny) with more regrets are stuck with the less desirable methods, notably the long, dark walk through the underworld. All that is the setting, the actual story involves a conspiracy that Manny begins to uncover as he realizes that he keeps getting the “lesser” souls, and due to his unmentioned sins of his human life, he’ll be stuck in limbo forever. Along the way, he meets a special lady, gathers a sidekick, meets a mortician performing an autopsy (one of the harmlessly creepy characters in any movie, game, book, etc.) and ends up having to shoot someone to save his life. (In case you’re wondering, to kill a dead person, you apparently shoot them with a bullet that sprouts flowers, similarly to the earth “taking over” a body buried in the ground.) Without spending forever talking about this game, I’ll simply say it’s a more cinematic experience than many movies: the story is the game, the voice actors are top quality, the art direction (which somehow combines Latin American influences with Art-Deco) compares with any Hollywood production, and it offers an ending more emotional than most movies.

    Which brings up the final thought: How many people have played Grim Fandango? How many have even heard of Grim Fandango? Not many. In fact, it’s usually considered the ultimate symbol of the adventure genre’s waning popularity. It came out in 1998, one year after Sierra had abandoned the King’s Quest franchise. Critical reviews were immensely favorable, but sales were not. Escape from Monkey Island, which was ultimately the final LucasArts adventure entered and exited with a whimper as sequels to two of their most popular adventure franchises were cancelled for ‘current marketplace realities’ and ‘creative issues,’ reverse respectively. In any medium there’s a distinct divide between the commercial/popular and the artistic. There is sometimes cross-over between the two, and it seems that most fans of the “artistic” baselessly resent fans of the popular merely because it is the “popular.” Music has thrived with that divide, and the “indie” boom of the mid-90’s brought that awareness to the world of movies. Even today, Rolling Stone and Spin’s editors campaign for the “latest, greatest, obscurest” new music while movie critics practically bet their credibility in defense of those same three superlative adjectives on some not yet known about “indie movie.” Thankfully, we don’t live in France where critics have been known to defend bad movies just to prove a point. Importantly, there is no true “indie” vs. otherwise divide in video gaming. There are no critics willing to champion some unheard of game for the sake of getting more people to experience it. People’s expectations for video games are drastically different than for other media, and even with the internet, there is no true “indie” movement that produces and distributes unheard of games the way that the major movie studios have arms dedicated to picking up obscure movies. There’s simply no My Big Fat Greek Wedding in the world of video games. The infrastructure isn’t set up to “get the word” out, and I’ll go out on a limb and say that in a society greatly affected by advertising and shiny things, video gamers are especially vulnerable to this advertising.

    Looks like we covered a lot more than just “Roger Ebert and Video Games” in this one, so here we go, emptybookshelf’s first three-headed review! Let’s hear it for innovation.

    **½

    Roger Ebert’s take on Video Games receives two-and-half stars due to the fact that as well as he defends himself, he can’t help but come off as just another old person afraid of what the kids are up to. “Oh my God! How could a bunch of moving pictures ever be better than having the actual, live actors in front of the audience?! That’ll never work!!” Unfortunately for the video gaming industry, he has a decidedly correct take on the “games as art” issue. Judging just the popular games, he’s hit the nail on the head; they are diversions where interactivity is thought to remove the need for story. Aside from the fact that he’s said he has not played games, if he were to ever pick up a controller/mouse/keyboard/bongo, he wouldn’t be playing anything remotely cinematical. At the risk of going on yet another tangent, just the fact that you can use bongos to play a video game says something about them compared to movies.

    *****

    Though I claimed this wasn’t a review of Grim Fandango, I can’t help but consider this an ideal time to “star” it. It receives five stars for being the most engrossing of all adventure games, and dare I say, any game. That isn’t to say that it’s the best game ever, just the most cinematical, and in a non-girly way, potentially the most beautiful.

    *

    Internet Fanboys receive one star due to the fact that their existence and pedanticism make it so a review of such a contentious topic needs to go on so many sidetracks. There’s something to be said for being enthusiastic about something, but there’s also something to be said for having some perspective. Not-so-oddly enough, Roger Ebert himself, probably one of the wittiest people on the planet, summed up the whole “fanboy” thing quite well in his review of Hackers:

    You should never send an expert to a movie about his specialty. Boxers hate boxing movies. Space buffs said ‘Apollo 13’ showed the wrong side of the moon. The British believe Mel Gibson’s scholarship was faulty in ‘Braveheart’ merely because some of the key characters hadn’t been born at the time of the story. ‘Hackers’ is, I have no doubt, deeply dubious in the computer science department. While it is no doubt true that in real life no hacker could do what the characters in this movie do, it is no doubt equally true that what hackers can do would not make a very entertaining movie.”

  • NES Games – Ducktales


    Scrooge McDuck uses his patented “Pogo Jump” to defeat the Amazonian Snake. If only the girl at Pius X knew that.

    So for some reason, I recently pulled out my old Nintendo and realized how dumb nearly all of the games I had are. Granted most of these games were made in 1989 or thereabouts, so I really shouldn’t judge them by today’s standards. I can however judge them by the standards of the other games that were out at the time. This is the first of a multipart series, reviewing the various NES games that I have in my collection, which is only about 10 or so.

    First up: Ducktales. Ducktales was made in 1989 apparently, even though I always assumed that the cartoon wasn’t made until at least 1991 (I was way wrong). The game, like the TV show, focuses on the adventures of Scrooge McDuck, however that’s pretty much the only thing that the two have in common. Much like the widely-hated Super Mario Bros. 2, Ducktales takes a famous character and puts him in a totally ridiculous situation, more ridiculous than the original, and totally unrelated to it.

    In the case of this story, you play as Scrooge, traveling all over the world (Transylvania, The African Mines, The Himalayas [Prototypes called it “Snow Mountain”], and The Amazon) as well as to the Moon (don’t question it!) in search of “lost” treasures stolen by various giant slugs wearing crowns, snowmonsters, tiki gods, or rats on the Moon. Of course the reason there’s a rat on the moon is because Scrooge is searching for a piece of green cheese (“Of Longevity”) which supposedly is worth millions of dollars. Never mind the fact that all the bad guys are wearing space suits; Scrooge is perfectly fine in spats and a top hat. Anyway, there aren’t any references to any of the locales from the show, and the only appearances by characters (Other than the Transylvania boss [Magica Dispell], and the main boss at the end of the game [after you beat the preliminary end boss, Dracula Duck]. Of course, it would make more sense to have Dracula Duck be the Transylvania level boss, and the tv-show villain be the preliminary boss, especially since the other level bosses have nothing to do with the show… but whatever) are a few brief cameos from Launchpad, who exists to take Scrooge back to the main menu halfway through each level, if you choose; the kids every once in a while; and Gizzmoduck, who shows up to blow a hole in the Moon so Scrooge can get into an underground lair that has no opening and is filled with Beagle Boys. How he got to the moon, we’ll never know.

    The most ludicrous thing about game is the incredibly complicated and inane way that Scrooge fights off bad guys. They took the basic “jumping on them” idea from Mario, and found a way to complicate it. Scrooge uses his cane to “Pogo Jump” on top of them and then they fall off the screen. Unfortunately, this isn’t as simple as pushing the A button. You do need to push the A button, but while in midair, you must also push the B button as well as the down arrow on the directional keypad. Pretty much any combination of pushing those buttons at once will start you pogo jumping, but you need to continue to hold the A button for it to work, or you have to push them all over again. You can just hold the A button and continuously pogo jump, except in the Himalaya level, which is basically all snow and ice. When Scrooge tries to pogo in the snow, he gets stuck.

    The levels are all very well mapped out, maze-like, with all kinds of secrets and challenging bad guys (of course, the only ones from the TV show are a few Beagle Boys, here and there). It’s hard enough to figure out where you’re supposed to go in these levels (in fact the Transylvania level actually has a wall that you have to walk through to get to the end of it), that making it past the bad guys seems easy. Once you have your bearings though, it’s fairly easy to beat, at least on the easy setting.

    The animation is very good for when it was made, much better than the Darkwing Duck that the same company made a few years later, and the music is fairly catchy, but nowhere on the scale of Mario.

    ****

    Despite the fact that the game has little to do with the show, and could very easily just have used original characters, the game is fun to play, and once beaten there’s much to explore. Making it not incredibly difficult, unless played on the difficult setting, and allowing the player to pick which level they want to play allows the player to learn the levels quicker than if they constantly had to start from the beginning every time they wanted to play level 8 or whatever. Ducktales gets four stars because of this, and the fact that it’s the only Nintendo game I could ever beat without using Game Genie.

  • Knocking the Wind Out of Adam

    Time for a mini-review! (before I take on my semi-idol, Roger Ebert later in the week)

    Thumb\'s up!
    All things considered, this review will probably not actually earn “the seal”:-(

    So, we were playing football the day after Thanksgiving. There were about ten people there, which is a pleasantly complete number, as the field can be reasonably-sized, and there aren’t so many people that any serious medical emergencies ensue. All of the Goletz siblings were there: Greg, Dave, and Tim. The significance of that is Dave and Tim are no longer 6 years old. They’re both in/recently in high school and more importantly, quite good at football. So good in fact that after a loose ball (that actually wasn’t technically a loose ball, but I guess I yelled “pick it up!” with enough confidence that someone [Adam] actually thought it was a fumble and not an incomplete [short] pass), that Mr. Tim Goletz completely clobbered the “fumble” recoverer after he was already on the ground. Just like in the NFL.

    All of this lead to the following conversation between Nate and me:

    Nate: That’s weird, I don’t hear any Futurama quotes.
    Me: What about anything from The Critic?
    Nate: Nope. -Wait- Do I hear a Family Guy reference?
    Me: No, I think that’s just some leaves rustling.
    Nate: Yeah, it looks like Tim knocked the wind out of Adam.
    Me: Ah. That’s why I don’t feel like I’m in the TV aisle of a DVD store.

    ***½

    Knocking the Wind Out of Adam receives three-and-a-half stars due to the change in the conversational landscape. It can’t be rated too highly because the condition (though temporary) is incredibly uncomfortable and is one of the more serious of the “un-serious” conditions. In all actuality, Adam didn’t have any TV quotes that day, but knocking the wind out of him would’ve changed that if he had. In even more actuality, I never had that conversation with Nate. But I could have.

  • The Cure4Cole “Ad” Campaign

    Hmm, is it possible to somehow not take the side of a sick kid and not be considered an awful person? Let’s find out. So, I was doing some stuff for work the other day (well, a lot of days), and I was outside of Lehigh Valley Hospital Cedar Crest. And lo-and-behold, there’s this bus stop advertisement of a very young, pants-less kid and his dog with a message imploring anyone reading it that ‘you’ should help because “Perhaps YOU [their emphasis] have the knowledge to save our son.” I’d assume that this is one sick kid, a poster child/patient for some obscure but deadly disease/syndrome/condition, etc. and there must be some sort of national ad campaign to get the attention of doctors because I sure don’t have any knowledge about how to fix the kid other than to possibly point him in the direction of a GAP Kids so he could get some pants. Maybe his condition is skin-related, and clothing irritates his skin, but I doubt families of kids with severe skin issues own dogs. I guess the “ad” campaign (quotes because I doubt that they’re trying to sell anything) worked, and I checked out the website, Cure4Cole.com.

    cole
    Apparently the domain Pants4Cole.com was taken.

    Turns out that, yes, Cole is indeed a sick kid, and that dog is there to bark when Cole involuntarily stops breathing. Yikes. Now, lesser men might end a review there, giving 5 stars to anything related to Mr. Cole just because of “the little guy’s courage.” So at risk of further becoming a bad person, here’s a quick rundown of the “situation.” Well, I guess that shouldn’t be in quotes, but oh well. What I thought was perhaps a national campaign is actually a goodwill gesture from Lamar Advertising Company which placed a full-size billboard in Milwaukee (outside a children’s hospital), two billboards in Ohio, and four in the Lehigh Valley. To be honest, I’m now interested in finding the other four in the Lehigh Valley (and I know that I’ve seen a second one, but I can’t remember where), but that’s more my completist nature showing through than anything else — don’t worry, hoping that someone finds a cure is a higher priority to me than seeing all the signs in the general area. So, anyway, the website covers the story of how an undiagnosed, but very sick kid from Winnipeg caught the attention of an advertising company, includes a photo gallery and even video examples of the choking behavior that he exhibits when he stops breathing (the sound of the choking is what the dog has been trained to recognize as the cue to start barking to get everyone’s attention). I’ve not clicked on the videos as I can’t help but think that if I did, I probably wouldn’t post this review.

    So, I guess to effectively review this “ad” campaign, I need to forget that there’s a sick kid behind it. Superficially, I recognize the fact that having a poster child for a condition is one method of increasing awareness. For example, Doug Flutie has a public-awareness autism campaign named after his son. It’s not a shameless move on anyone’s part, and it’s better to see sports stars and celebrities promoting medical awareness instead of knee-jerk political opinions. But, the only issue with Cole’s campaign is that he seems to be the only one. Of course it’s not his fault (or his mother’s) that his condition is so rare that it is more accurately called “personal,” but a cynic would see the website and notice its lack of “help Cole so you can help other sick children”-type messages and be put off by the whole idea. Of course, it says in bold letters that they’re not asking for money, but cynics would say that anyone who specifically says they don’t want your money actually do. Am I that particular cynic? No, not really, but I guess it stands against my character to assume that someone out there might think that. Of course, I’m also the type of person that would think of wishing Dr. House to be real so that he can diagnose Cole, accuse his mom of drug use in her past [because that’s what House does in almost every episode], and hilariously harass his boss in one drama-filled hour. Again, superficially, while the website is perfectly functional, there are some spelling errors. True, they’re typos, but some of the copy has a “xanga-esque” feel to it, and professionalism = legitimacy. Of course videos of the choking sound a sick kid makes as he stops breathing are also equal to legitimacy. So in the name of that, if anyone is coming here to call me soulless for all of this, consider this my formal offering to copy check the entire website for the entirety of its existence.

    ***½

    The Cure4Cole “ad” campaign receives three-and-a-half stars due to the fact that it shows that companies do care and so on, and looking through the guestbook has lots of people wishing well, many after having seen the billboards. It’s not the fault of Cole (or his mom) that his condition is so rare that messages about “helping others, too” would be almost inapplicable, but it’s very odd to see an awareness campaign focused on just one kid. Again, that isn’t to be held against them, but symbolically, it would count for something. Of course, I/we/anyone-with-a-heart hopes that they figure out the problem and that he gets better. But, is it too much to ask that he be at least more fully clothed in the picture used in the campaign. There are lots of pictures in the gallery of him wearing more than underpants/diapers(?). So, yeah, three-and-a-half stars. That’s right, I’m going to Hell.