Verbally Harassing Horses

It’s not that I don’t like horses; it’s that I don’t like the hub-hub that surrounds them, the people who liken them to people and all that nonsense. So with that in mind, lest PETA or other wackos stumble across this, I’ll go on the record saying, don’t harass horses or other animals. Make sure you let them (the horses) have a piece of your mind, but administer only verbal pain. The Junior Staff might think differently, but I’d hope not.

horse face
“Nice teeth, Tooth Face!” — that showed him

So I was out near Weisenberg (the middle of nowhere, in other words) today, minding my own business. In fact, I was near the middle of nowhere of the middle of nowhere. Roads in the middle of nowhere often serve as borders for farm land. Like I said, driving in the middle of nowhere, minding my own business… when all of a sudden, about 25 yards ahead, I see this horse staring me down. He/She/It is behind a fence and eating whatever it is that horses eat (I’ll let Adam field that one), but instead of a tranquil face of cow-like calm, this horse is looking at me hard. More accurately, he was probably staring in the general direction of the white van I was driving, but as far as I’m concerned, his black, buggy eyes were calling me out.

Naturally, when I drove up next to him, I stopped, lowered the passenger side window, leaned over, and told him what I thought about him. In a rant that included such highlights as: “Nice teeth, tooth face,” “Next, we’re taking a trip to the glue factory….and you’re not invited!” [Simpsons joke/put-down there], “the whole stable at the Kentucky Derby has carnal knowledge of your mother,” as well as a tirade detailing how all of the frustrations in my life were caused by him, it really seemed like he finally got the “bounceback” karma that had built up after so many years of people driving by and saying, “Look! A Horsey!” Is it my role to portion out karma? In this case, I believe yes. It’s as if this horse understood what was coming to him, that it was simply his time. He didn’t complain, staying at the fence, staring at me, listening to me explain how he’s wasting his life away watching traffic. Now, let it be known that the insults weren’t necessarily my finest, but remember, I didn’t exactly plan on verbally harassing a horse when I woke up this morning.

I then proceeded to tell him that I run a lowly visited review website, and he was only worth 1 star… on a good day. I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s horse’s back. He took a mouthful of whatever he was eating, looked away, then walked away, apparently finally realizing that I meant business. I raised the window and drove off the bigger man.


Verbally Harassing Horses receives four stars due to the fact that it’s free and is a victimless crime, in fact, it’s not a crime at all, I think. There’s something to be said for letting out one’s frustrations in front of what is the breathing equivalent of a wall. Other animals walk away (cats), turn away (cows), don’t get the whole point of it and try to cheer you up by insisting that you take them for a walk (dogs), or lack the facilities to even grasp the fact that not only are you alive, you’re making some sort of noise (chickens). Horses take it all in stride. However, they do lose a point due to the fact that if they ever developed pointy teeth and a taste for mammal blood, we’d all be pre-processed horse food, especially those of us who’ve already expressed our displeasure in them.

6 Replies to “Verbally Harassing Horses”

  1. Well, when we term a feeding apparatus as “oat bag” or “hay bin,” the answer as to what horses eat becomes quite obvious….Cheez-It’s and Mountain Dew (it gets those legs a-motoring).

    Oh, and Dan…horses have the ability to develop jagged teeth and have no qualms about drawing blood. Sleep tight knowing that the horse is now plotting your imminent demise.

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