Empty Bookshelf Reviews

Category: Reviews

The FAO Schwarz Toy Store in NYC

It looks like the FAO bear is a bandwagon jumper.

WOW. That’s all I have to say. Actually there is a lot more to say. Going into the city the other day, I was kinda skeptical of what I was going to be doing. I was dropped off, by bus, into the most consumer-based part of the city, probably even the east coast, or even the country, on the most consumer-driven weekend of the year, with three women. After going to a plethora of stores that I really didn’t want to spend as much time in as we did, but were interesting nonetheless, we walked about sixteen blocks, to the corner of 58th St. and 5th Ave. The FAO Schwarz Store. It was packed. A little more packed than I bargained for. So packed, if fact, that there was a line that went halfway down the block, just to get in, guarded by employees dressed like toy soldiers. They said it was going to be a 20-25 minute wait to get in, and I grumbled as we got in line. Even though we didn’t really have anything to do for the rest of the day, I was wondering if it was worth a wait like that. Yes. It was. In fact, it took little more than 10 minutes to get into the store, which was remarkable considering the length of the line.

Inside we found three floors that just kept going and going. First floor had stuffed animals. Any kind. Lifesized elephants and giraffes, cows and hippos. They also had smaller sized stuffed animals, like lifesized german shepherds. It also housed a vintage toy collection, and a glass case with extravagant upgrades of old favorites, such as a gold slinky and gem studded Mickey Mouse-headed Pez dispensers. There was also a candy section, complete with gummi pythons (over 3 feet of gummi), and an old-fashioned ice cream parlor.

Downstairs was home to puzzle toys, action figures, video games, something called the Street Surfboard or thereabouts, and pretty much anything that you could have stations set up to demonstrate. They had an expert teaching kids the skateboard thing, a guy who could solve a rubik’s cube in under one minute and thirty seconds (to brag a bit, about 5 years ago, I could solve it in about that time, but he was a bit more personable with the people than I could ever be, and he was obviously more skilled than I could ever be), and all kinds of other fun stuff. It did kinda get me angry when the rich mother in her fur coat was asking her 5 year old son which 3,000 dollar Star Wars collectable ship model he wanted(a similar one), maybe not realizing that he was totally gonna treat it like a 40 dollar toy and not a 3,000 piece of art.

Going up to the third floor, I was blown away by the amount of stuff once again. There were the guys doing the show on the floor piano, a ridiculous doll section, with men (it is NY) sewing doll clothes and using some mini bedazzler to put sequins on them. There was a case with all these old school-looking barbie dolls, that actually smelled like the flavor associated with the color of their dress. As you kept walking, there was this glass encased platform about 8 feet high, where, if you were younger than 8, and presumably a girl, you could go and dance with a woman who was made up to be a princess of some sort. Not that I’m an eight-year-old girl and was really into this, but the amount of effort that went into this section of the store was amazing. Around the corner was the boys section, filled with an area where you could design your own hot wheels car. There was some VR type thing, more car-related toys, and some completely drivable mini cars, ranging from a $12,000 mini-one seater audi to a $40,000, two seater, 7 foot long, mini hummer-type vehicle< , with an all-weather fiberglass body with a protective frame, rack-and-pinion steering, dual hydraulic disk brakes, a manual emergency brake, full front and rear suspension, and a three-speed transmission. You can buy one online here, if you like. There was also rare toy room where people could buy and sell really old collectible toys. Again, most were really expensive.

And even when we were walking out we passed whole sections on the top floor that we hadn’t seen before, and there were just so many people out doing demonstrations of toys, inventors of toys there to sign them, and people there just to get the kids involved.

All in all, the store did an incredible job of providing an experience that a kid would never forget, getting them to not only say, “I want this”, but creating a bond between the kid and the toy to make them want it even more. It was at least five times as impressive as the Times Square Toys R Us, which I think was about five stories tall, and there was plenty to see and do, enough that it would take at least an hour and a half just to see everything there, without actually spending time to take it all in. The only downside was that it was so crowded with kids, but what else would you expect?

The NYC FAO Schwarz Store gets five stars due to the vast amount of things to see and do, the incredible amount of effort put into selling toys and creating an experience that children won’t forget, and along with that, an incredibly successful way to sell toys. The only negative aspect was the incredible amount of people there, but that could hardly be deemed the store’s fault, and they did an admirable job of keeping the amount of people reasonably under control with the line system. Well worth the short wait to get in.

November 28, 2005
That Episode of Coach Where Luther Sues Coach

I haven’t seen Coach for a very long time; I haven’t watched episodes in syndication, in fact I’m not sure it’s even in syndication beyond non-network affiliate stations such as the Lehigh Valley’s WFMZ. Heck, it might not even be on that channel anymore. Regardless, I watched a whole bunch of the show during some of its later seasons. Being that I really can’t remember any episodes (except one), it must not’ve been very good. If I remember correctly, it was on in a programming block that included Home Improvement and maybe even The Drew Carey Show and Spin City, though I’m probably mixing up the seasons. So anyway, the episode in question.

Luther Horatio Van Dam’s shirt is green. The same color that his irresponsibility produced. Ok, I’ve got nothing.

The year was 1996, the month, March, the date, Tuesday the 19th, the weather, probably cold. I don’t remember much about that day other than (now) looking back in hindsight and hoping that I was too cool for Home Improvement in 7th grade. I wasn’t, but of course, I don’t remember which episode of Home Improvement was on that night. Beyond TV-related events, it was what I remember to be the middle of the time when people were filing (and winning) ridiculous, common-sense lawsuits. The woman who sued (and won) McDonald’s because she burned herself while drinking their coffee and driving was the most widely covered instance of this, but there were plenty of examples. Whether March 1996 was the breaking point for the “frivolous lawsuit movement” remains to be seen as family-oriented television shows are notorious for being way behind the times with their social commentary (think of the “very special episode” of 7th Heaven that dealt with huffing considerably after the network news shows all had their own marginally more timely “special reports”).

So, again, being that I saw the episode once and actually don’t remember many details of it (specifically the details of the plot and the ending), I’ll try my hardest to review it as thoroughly as possible. Sort of thankfully, I actually found a mini-episode capsule where I learned the title (“Van Damn [sic] vs. Fox”), the airdate, and a recap even thinner than what I can remember. Roughly, Coach, played by Mr. Incredible holds a barbecue and one of his assistant coaches, Luther Horatio Van Dam (I’m not making that up), grabs a meat skewer from the grill, then severely burns himself as he attempts to eat the meat. Instead of worshipping at the altar of personal responsibility, Luther (played by that guy whose brother’s name makes girls giggle) decides to sue Coach for negligence. They’re good friends, but Luther Horatio Van Dam isn’t the brightest bulb in the box and sees the opportunity for a quick buck all while not being to talk clearly due to the burn in his mouth. Yes, hilarity did ensue. Some other stuff happened between the announcement and the trial, but I don’t remember what it was. At the trial itself, Luther has hired a high-powered defense attorney while Coach, due to what he considers the ridiculousness of the lawsuit, represents himself. The basis of Coach’s argument was rather simple: it was Luther’s fault for grabbing (then eating) the meat, there’s no way he could be held responsible for someone else’s idiocy.

Needless to say, my dad was rooting for Coach’s populist defense, but the court actually found in favor of Luther. Even more needless to say, my dad was outraged (Outraged!) at the result. Whether or not he threw pizza at me, I don’t know, but it could’ve happened. In terms of the characters, I don’t remember the ending (there was a sizable amount of screentime post trial), but somehow Luther Horatio Van Dam decided not to pursue the money and everyone remained friends.

The Episode of Coach Where Luther Sues Coach receives 4 stars due to its handling of a topic “ripped right from the headlines” (just like Law & Order!). Granted, I’m sure it hasn’t aged well, but one more time, I haven’t seen it since that day in March 1996, and being that I remember it at all means it did something right. Of course, it probably missed the “sell by” date for jokes about frivolous lawsuits, but I think I was at the age where my media expectations were a bit less sophisticated than they are now (and yet I still watch wrestling). 1996, those were the days.

November 27, 2005
The Dell 2005FPW Monitor
Because the readership has relatively low interest in detailed (or any, really) computer-related stuff, this will probably be one of only a handful of “high-tech” reviews. In the first post I had mentioned reviewing this product (keep in mind this was before Nate and I had really developed some sort of “concept” for the site), so here it is. Also, it can serve as a starting point back into normal reviewing after the Junior Staff had felt it necessary to call my reviewing skills into question. Being that anyone looking for an opinion on this particular monitor can look up highly technical, highly detailed reviews by lots of other websites, I’ll focus on whether or not it was a worthwhile purchase. Any of those other reviews are far more thorough in both methodology and scope, but being that their samples are usually sent by the manufacturer for free, specifically for the task of reviewing, their price/performance discussion is rather superficial as they’ve not spent any of their own money on the product.

This is more useful than a new computer.

A rough overview of the monitor in question:
- It’s a 20″ LCD widescreen. This is phenomenally larger than a 17″ tube monitor.
- Its native resolution is 1680×1050 which is equal to a 16:10 aspect ratio. Most LCD monitors are either 4:3 or 5:4.
- It’s plenty bright and doesn’t show any ghosting during movies. I haven’t played any modern computer games for quite a while, so I’m not sure if ghosting is an issue in those games. Ghosting is when the tiny pieces that make the LCD “work” can’t keep up the speed of the signal. It was a huge problem with LCD monitors until 3 or so years ago.
- It has one analog VGA input (the blue monitor plug), one DVI (the newer, white monitor plug), one composite video in (the yellow cable that’s usually in the white/red/yellow bundles), and one S-Video in.
The composite and S-Video inputs make it potentially useful as a TV, but if you notice, the aspect ratio is 16:10. This makes it so widescreen DVDs and their 16:9 aspect ratio are either distorted vertically to fit the screen or are viewed with black boxes across the top and bottom. All screens sold specifically as “widescreen computer monitors” are in the 16:10 aspect ratio. Products sold as computer-compatible “LCD TVs” can be bought in the 16:9 ratio, but they are frequently hundreds of dollars more than the computer monitors for a given size. Obviously, the panel makers don’t want to cannibalize the LCD TV sales. I wasn’t planning on using it as a TV, but being that it doesn’t have speakers and has an awkward aspect ratio, consider that a warning for those that might be swayed by the composite and S-Video connections. The signal carried in both of those connections has only 480 vertical lines of resolution while the screen displays 1,050; the monitor upconverts the signal, but doesn’t do the best job. If someone were to buy a PC-based TV tuner, the monitor becomes a better choice for TV-watching as the computer’s speakers can be used, and the TV tuner probably includes a better resizer.

But, as a computer monitor it excels. The screen is super bright, super clear, takes up less space even though the screen itself is bigger, and trumps the old tube monitor I had used in every way. Most significantly, two documents can be opened next to each other at a size that’s very legible and doesn’t require an obscene amount of scrolling to effectively read. That means having an internet browser or Acrobat open next to Word and not having to switch between the two when working on some sort of paper. You can have Excel open next to Word and simply copy and paste figures without having to switch between them. This is hugely helpful and all but impossible with a single non-widescreen monitor. For those that ever edit websites, it’s also a huge help to be able to see the code and the result on one screen without (again) having to switch between windows.

Beyond the usefulness of the screen itself, the monitor provides four USB connections, similar to having USB connections on the front of the computer, but even more useful.

As I alluded to earlier, I doubt that anyone who normally reads the site is even considering purchasing something like this, but there have been multiple people who’ve connected to this site after searching Google for “2005FPW Review” because of a comment I made in the site’s first post. So, here it was.

Here’s an example of the benefits of widescreen.
Adobe Premiere make sure you un-shrink the images if you’re using Internet Explorer or Firefox
The window arrangement when running the old 17″ tube monitor
1152×864 ~175KB
The window arrangement when running the Dell 2005FPW
1680×1050 ~350KB

Compared to the original, not only are the video previews much closer to actual size, the timeline covers a significantly larger amount of content, and if you look at the bottom, the taskbar isn’t filled even though there are numerous programs open.

For those that couldn’t care less about response time, contrast ratio, other technical specifications, or if a favorite game has support for widescreen resolutions, consider this a hugely worthwhile investment. With coupons and patience (and liberally checking “deals” sites such as gotapex and xpbargains, the monitor can be had between $360 and $400. This is about half the price of a new, decent computer, but the kicker is that it will work with your next computer. Monitors last longer than practically any other computer part, and you spend the most time directly interacting with it compared to any of those other parts. On top of that, Dell has a 3 year warranty which is setup in such a way that they send you the replacement before you send your problematic unit back to them; it’s all rather painless.

The Dell 2005FPW Monitor receives four-and-a-half stars due to how much it can enhance computer use. The price is (relatively) nice, the extra features (USB, composite, S-Video, adjustability in six directions, etc.) are all, at the minimum, useful, and beyond that, consumes significantly less power than a tube monitor. It’s not perfect, as the Picture-in-Picture mode is tough to toggle on or off because everything is controlled by buttons on the bezel and the Picture-by-Picture mode is not particularly useful because it leaves so much black space above the two images. Also, though it’s not specifically a problem of the monitor, when watching DVDs on the computer with PowerDVD or any other program, the screen’s resolution is so high compared to the DVD that when the video is resized to fullscreen, the flaws in the DVD source are rather obvious. Video savvy users can use Media Player Classic in combination with ffdshow to do a very high quality resize of the DVD’s output, but that’s a rather inelegant method. Both of the new DVD formats will fix this as their native resolution will most likely be closer to that of the panel, but as of now, viewing either of the new formats in the higher resolutions (720p and 1080i/p) will require components with HDMI connections, something that the 2005FPW lacks. But, when it comes to computer stuff, waiting for the “next and best” never works out being that there’s always a “next and best” around the corner.
November 23, 2005
Dan’s review of The Myth of Christmas Starting Earlier Every Year

Dan prefers to think the Nessie does exist, because there’s no proof that it doesn’t.

Here we go again. It seems as though, once again, my opinion is wrong and has been invalidated by our site’s speech-impairing oppressor, the same man who makes up words like “opinionary” for use in his reviews. The opinion in question is my agreeance with the masses that the Christmas season is starting a bit earlier than normal this year. I have presented four facts proving that the department stores, media outlets, and product manufacturers have started promoting Christmas-themed items well before Thanksgiving. I provided dates for numerous events that occurred this year, not some vague concept of a time long ago, yet his rambling review is supposed to have more credibility than mine, just because it came more recently? I don’t see how this can fly. Sure, my facts may be wrong, and if presented with proper evidence that shows Santa coming to the mall before November 19th in any past years, or The Grinch airing before November 13th in the past, well then I am all about offering a retraction statement. Unfortunately for my detractors, I have very high doubts about said evidence’s existence. The reality is that Walmart has gone on record stating that their campaign, which started on November 1st this year was the earliest it’s ever been. Toys R US sent their first catalogue out the day after Halloween. Looking at the internet, it seems that either most of the evidence seems to agree with me, or it’s just more popular to agree with my point of view, as I’ve found numerous articles from places like the Chicago Tribune, one of Upstate New York’s top news outlets, and Dan’s favorite, USA Today. Of course, there are stores who are still sticking to the more traditional Thanksgiving-time start to the season, but if just two of those stores would start earlier, I would still be justified in saying that some stores are pushing Christmas merchandise earlier.

I suppose I’m getting away from Dan’s review, so let’s look at it, paragraph by paragraph. First of all, the picture caption. It’s said that I hate Christmas. While I actually laughed at the caption, it’s simply not true. In fact, Christmas is probably my favorite holiday, because there’s actually something to do, unlike the boring Thanksgiving, the all-too-saccharine Easter, and the incredibly depressing Valentine’s Day. Not only that, but nothing in my review states that I have any dislike for the holiday.

Next, he states that I have offered no valid negative effects of Christmas coming earlier each year. If I would’ve offered the negatives, I’m sure I would’ve been chastised for taking up valuable space with cliched arguments that one can find anywhere else on the worldwide web. If my implications in the review weren’t enough, I’ll put them explicitly. The continued expansion of the Christmas season has led to a decline in the amount of celebration of the Thanksgiving holiday, and potentially soon-to-be the Halloween holiday. In addition, the purveyors of said trends run the risk of creating a dissatisfaction with the holiday spirit, weeks before the holiday actually arrives, making it all the less enjoyable for us, the consumer, and the people who have to deal with Christmas songs 24/7.

Next, it is stated that I offered no comparison to years before, which is completely inaccurate. I offer that Santa used to come on Thanksgiving, the entire reason the Macy’s Parade exists in the first place. I also offer that in my childhood, I don’t remember Christmas programming starting until at least after Thanksgiving, as I used to consider the showing of Rudolph and Frosty to be quite early. I then go on to say that it is completely inappropriate for candy to be Christmas-themed before Halloween, mostly because I’m not used to it being sold that early.

After this, he misreads my attempt at satire (in this specific case, exaggerating the start of the Christmas merchandising season to begin in July) as completely serious. In reality, I was searching for a picture of Santa on the beach, but this was the best picture I could find. I in no way actually believe that the Christmas season would ever start before Halloween (there’s too much merchandising to be made in the Halloween holiday that Thanksgiving doesn’t offer, as well as running the risk of completely alienating their consumers), let alone July.

I suppose that by using this thought process, Dan is literally suggesting that I transform myself into some sort of sheep and time travel back to twenty years ago to see that Christmas music was playing on the radio on November 1st (which is not an exaggeration), see the err of my ways, and come begging on my knees for forgiveness for being “wrong”. I don’t pretend that I’m not agreeing with all the other half-wits who haven’t thought this through, but the last time I disagreed with all the sheep who were following each other in agreeance, I was ripped apart anyway.

I’m not averse to Christmas being a season. In fact, it is a season, and always has been in the Church calendar. But that season starts four weeks before Christmas. Even this year, with Christmas falling on a Sunday, and Advent actually starting five weeks before Christmas, the season doesn’t start until November 27th, again, after Thanksgiving. My point was that this is the first year that I’ve seen significant proof that the people who have been harping on this point for years might be right. My disclaimer at the end effectively showed that in order to see if this is true, we would have to wait until a few years from now. Because I did not have the forethought to write down specific dates of things in the past, does that mean that my opinion should be considered wrong and invalidated? I don’t think so.

Dan’s Review of The Myth of Christmas Coming Earlier Every Year gets two stars, mostly because he presented little evidence to prove his case, instead relying on meandering, obscure ideas about the grass being greener on the other side and the probability that old people are wrong simply because they complain a lot and don’t always remember things. I’m not saying that he is wrong, per se, just that it appears as though my evidence greatly outweighs his, thereby lending more credence to my opinion. In addition, for a review that was specifically not supposed to be a review about my review, he spent more time discussing the merits of my ideas, instead of presenting his own case. I may be lashed for speaking out against the upper management, but perhaps this serves to be the last of the unwarranted reviews of other people’s reviews, namely those presented by the Junior Staff.

November 20, 2005
The Myth of the Christmas Season Coming Earlier Every Year

The Junior Staff has done it again. Instead of reviewing his review per se, I’ll simply re-assess the topic through the lens of having read his review. The issue with his review is simply that it’s plain-old wrong and short-sighted.

Nate hates Christmas.

I know that Nate is older than I am (by a whole two months) and that the onset of his old age is even less graceful than mine. Does this mean that he’s moved into the territory of old-cooted-ness? Apparently yes. He offers no truly negative issues relating to the ballooning of the “Christmas Season,” except that it might begin to eventually float into his late-September birthday. In fact, that very day is already marked by a number of historical events and feasts for a a variety of martyrs . Of course, Nate’s birthday isn’t included in these lists, but I’d wager that the populace at large would be more upset that the Christmas Season is encroaching on the anniversary of the Battle of the Sexes tennis match than Nate’s birthday. That out of the way, onto the more general aspects of “the myth.”

Yes, the whole “Christmas-thing” starts early every year. But earlier each year? I doubt it. The Junior Staff offers no comparison to either his youth, his parents’ youth, his grandparents’ youth, or even the creepy old guy’s down the street. In fact, he even says that he has “no historical evidence to back it up.” Now, I’m sure that “way back when,” it was different; the times when people walked to school uphill both ways and Christmas shopping, planning, etc. all began at 10am sharp on December 21st. Those were the “good old days,” and that’s the way they likes it (that’s not a typo). It would seem that the Junior Staff subconsciously remembers those times even though he was born during the Reagan administration. At least ten years ago (probably 15), I remember being at what was then the new BJ’s Wholesale Club on Airport Road. It was mid-September, and guess what, there was a section of the store selling Christmas junk (literally…like those robotic Santas that probably start hundreds of fires each year). Maybe the season starting earlier each year is more widespread than in the past, but it’s not like we see Christmas specials in July and August (Christmas in July sales aren’t Christmas sales, thank you very much). If retailers started pushing Christmas in the summer, it probably wouldn’t get very far, as even though there are people who get their Christmas shopping done extremely early in the year, increasing the amount of Christmas advertising early in the year won’t convert the sane people who take care of it nearer to the actual date.

If Nate wants to complain that it comes early each year, that’s one thing (though it would be a rather trite review, which is probably why he instead reviewed the concept of it coming earlier each year), but giving credence to the myth is just bad news. People like to complain and people like to think it was better in the past. It’s like the story of the sheep who wanted to graze in the neighbor’s grass because it looked better. They went over to the neighbor’s and started to graze, only to then wish they were back on the original side. Well, this whole Christmas Season nonsense is like those sheep, except instead of wanting to graze in the neighbor’s field, they want to use a time machine to graze 20 years ago, when they “remember” that the grass was better. Of course, the grass wasn’t any better and most of them don’t even remember it, and a fair number weren’t even born yet.

Please don’t be one of those time travelling sheep.

The Myth of the Christmas Season Starting Earlier Each Year receives one star due to the fact that while not completely a fabrication of the sentimental, it is a greatly exaggerated event. Sure, way back when (maybe the time of Constantine?) Christmas was a day, not a season, but that distinction changed almost equally long ago. In the mean time, the season has grown, but it’s safe to say that it hasn’t been during my (or any of my contemporaries’) lives.

November 20, 2005
The Myth of the Christmas Season Coming Earlier Every Year

Is this where we’re headed?

I used to think this was a joke; something that hippies and old ladies complain about. “Christmas is getting here earlier every year”. “Yeah, right”, I’d say. “Thanksgiving is still Thanksgiving, and Christmas season doesn’t start until after that, on Black Friday when all the parents of the spoiled children rush to the malls and toystores at five in the morning to fight over a tickle-me-elmo doll.”

That was, of course, until three pieces of information got to me this year. Firstly, last Saturday, November 12th, while visiting Ithaca College, I saw an ad that TBS was running. The Grinch was on, telling us all about how he was going to steal Christmas. This is the old animated Grinch, not the crappy, overhyped, overproduced, overgrossing Jim Carrey atrocity. This was the classic cartoon that gets played every year; as much a part of Christmas as the 24-hour marathon of “A Christmas Story” is. Except one thing. They were advertising it because it was airing the next day. That’s right. November freakin 13th marks the official first day of the Christmas television season this year. A full twelve days before shopping season gets into full swing. Of course, this is not to say that Christmas specials have never aired this early. Rudolph and Frosty, etc. usually air around the 7th of December, but that’s forgivable. Those actually air in the same month as Christmas, without another major holiday between the two. There used to be a time when there actually were Thanksgiving specials (hard to believe, I know). The one I remember had something to do with a bear in a pilgrim suit becoming friends with some other animal (maybe a duck?) dressed as an Indian, and I seem to remember it airing every year. Of course, it could all be a dream, or something I made up because I can’t find it after numerous internet searches.

Secondly: A few days later, I heard a radio ad for the Palmer Park Mall. I’m not sure exactly where that is (Maybe Jersey?). The main focus of the ad was that Santa was coming. HOORAY. Santa’s going to ride in on a fire engine on Thanksgiving day, signifying the coming of the Christmas shopping bonanza. WRONG! Santa is now coming to the mall on the totally arbitrary Saturday the 19th of November…. BEFORE THANKSGIVING! What’s the point? An extra four days to see Santa? Was there really that much of a demand to see Santa last year that kids didn’t get to see him because of time constraints? Are the kids really ready to see Santa this early in the year? I don’t mean to sound paranoid here, but is there some sort of Santa war going on between malls where they’re trying to get there earlier than the next guy to draw more business? Freakin Santa!

Thirdly, while at Redners, pushing the cart for the website’s egomaniacal slavemaster, we were looking near the candy department, by the WALL OF VALUES. And we noticed sweet little hershey candy, wrapped in yuletide colors. Awww, how nice. Green and Red kisses, green and red Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, Green and Red Rollos, you get the idea. Really decorative and sweet for your holiday. Except… IT WAS FREAKIN OCTOBER 25th (or thereabouts). This is time to be selling Halloween candy. Pumpkins, and witches, and ghosts, not Christmas trees. I guess the idea is that you can get your Christmas candy early and let it sit in your dish, counting down the days. The one thing that doesn’t cross your mind while waiting for this candy to be in season is that it loses freshness and by the time it actually is December, that candy is more than likely going to break your teeth when you bite into it. The only other reason that I can suggest for the candy being there is that maybe… just maybe, Redners didn’t sell it the year before, which would explain why it was sitting on the WALL OF VALUES!

My point is this: we need to slow down. The earlier we start celebrating Christmas, the sooner we run out of material, and we’re forced to create four additional Charlie Brown specials, or watch Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey look as though they’re having seizures while singing carols, or I don’t know, watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” all four times that NBC shows it. We’ll be celebrating in September soon enough, and then my birthday will become engulfed in the massive Holiday that’s enveloped the rest of the fourth quarter of the year. And that’s the real shame of it all. Let’s not let that happen. For the children.

I forgot one thing. Sunny 104.5 in Philly is now playing all holiday music. They started last week (November 15th about). With over a month of this stuff, you’d think your head would explode.

The Myth of the Christmas Season Starting Earlier and Earlier gets four stars as it seems to be true, but I have no historical evidence to back it up. Next year, we’ll compare the dates for the Grinch special and Santa’s first day at work, then we’ll see.

November 18, 2005
Nose Bleeds

It’s amazing what you find when you type in “Nosebleed” in Google.

I suppose that nose bleeds aren’t really a medical condition; more like a symptom of something. I mean I guess if it’s not related to something else, it could be a condition, if the nose bleeds are chronic that is. In fact, I’m not even really sure if “nose bleeds” is two words and not a compound word. In any case, over the past four years, I’ve developed a knack for getting these sorts of things, something that had never happened previously. Usually they happen in the winter, supposedly caused by dry air because of the heat being on and such.

The nice thing about nosebleeds is that they aren’t painful. They’re just a nuisance, getting in the way of everyday tasks such as eating lunch (a difficult chore to do while you’re pinching your nose shut and having to breathe through your mouth), and they also serve to increase paranoia about the possibility of having other diseases. The latter is because it just doesn’t seem natural for a person to have blood coming out of his nose on multiple occasions intraweekly. This was one of the things I got checked out when I was at the doctor’s office the other day. He looked at my nose, took my blood pressure, and after telling him that I hadn’t had one in about a week, he said that he didn’t see anything and it was probably because of the dry air blah blah blah and that i’d be fine if i used a saline moisturizer. Of course, what happened the next day? Nosebleed in the middle of work. Not cool.

Nosebleeds get half a star for being chronic, getting in the way of doing everyday tasks, and being incredibly messy. In addition, they cause paranoia about other illnesses. I guess it could be more painful though, as it doesn’t seem normal for that amount of blood to exit a facial orifice.

November 17, 2005
Route 100’s New 222 Bypass

We all hate traffic. We hate sitting in it, we hate being part of it, and most of all, we hate knowing that we’re going to be sitting in it before we’ve left. Even though there are countless trouble areas, a brand new bypass to alleviate one of the more frustrating “hot spots” in the area opened at the end of September.

The less you care, the more this looks like an actual picture of the 222 bypass and not just a random picture I found on the internet.

Being that I-78 more-or-less serves as the sole high speed connection for the southern Lehigh Valley and US-22 serves as its northern counterpart (then eventually feeds into I-78), it sees a huge traffic flow. Being that (PA) Route 100 serves as a western connection/border for the area, the combination of I-78, US-22, and PA 100 is a traffic jam waiting to happen. Mix in US-222 (an alternative, much slower east/west route between 22 and 78), and it’s deadlock. So, combining the limitations of the roads, the fact that sprawl has moved a considerable amount of housing to the western Lehigh Valley (Trexlertown, Weisenberg, Fogelsville, Alburtis, and on and on), and the fact that there are still plenty of businesses spread throughout all corners of the Lehigh Valley, the infrastructure built in the past couldn’t handle the needs of today (+5 political sound bite bonus!).

All of this obsolescence became showcased at the intersection of US-222 and PA-100. Traffic lined up “as far as the eye could see” in all four directions at that unfortunate intersection. No dedicated left-turn lanes were the straws which broke the civil engineers’ backs and that was that. [you’ve just finished the ‘how to sound confident in something even when you really have no idea what you’re talking about’ section]

Anyway, the bypass:

Judging solely on its challenge vs. solution factor, it passes with flying colors. Once you’re on the bypass itself, it’s smooth sailing as you’re on your way to Trexlertown and points south (even Philadelphia for the masochists out there). There’s no traffic build-up at the light (heck, there is no light), and it’s all sorts of easy to get from the bypass to 222 if you really need to get there (needing to get on 222 when you’re specifically trying to bypass that very road doesn’t make much sense, but sometimes people can’t read maps very well). The very new road surface still has its “just out of the dump truck” smoothness, so it’s like you’re driving on your very own comfort zone. Being that nothing gold can stay, this will change in time, and eventually old people will be complaining about how it needs resurfacing. But for now, it’s primo driving.

Unfortunately, it’s not perfect. Like most everything else, I don’t ask too much of a road, but is it too much to hope for some pleasant scenery? The bypass seems to always have a noise-blocking wall on one side or the other, and where the wall isn’t is just flat, tree-less scrubland. It would remind me of the dreary moors of Jane Eyre had I not blocked it from my memory after reading it in 9th grade. As time goes on, these desolate plains will most likely become subdivisions, and after people live there for a few years, they’ll complain and petition for sound barrier walls be built on both sides of the road, turning it from a regular road to more of an open-top tunnel. Also, has hype builds up about it and more and more commuters begin to use it, its ease of use will decline (Junior Staff, please note, I’m just throwing that out there; this will not affect the final rating because it would not be fair to review something primarily based on its hype).

Route 100’s New 222 Bypass receives 4 stars due its success in fixing a significant traffic snarl in the Lehigh Valley. Unfortunately, its functional success is marred by its aesthetic weakness, no sweeping vistas, no landmarks, heck, the northern section doesn’t even have any trees. It doesn’t look like The Morning Call’s resident “road warrior” Don Hartzell has yet commented on the bypass, so it looks like we have the scoop. I mean, it’s not like we should expect someone with the unassuming title of “Road Warrior” to be on top of these sorts of things or anyway…

November 16, 2005
Eddie Guerrero

Latino Heat will surely be missed, Esse.

Yesterday, Sunday, November 13th, WWE wrestler Eddie Guerrero died in his hotel room. I suppose this is a rather biased time to write a review of him, but I felt that with this outlet to speak my mind that I might share my thoughts on him.

I didn’t know him. I never met him. I didn’t even watch the DVD documentary about his life or any of his matches pre-WWF/E. In fact, I never even watched wrestling before he moved over from WCW, and when I did start watching, he was in a pointless story with the womanbeast Chyna. I am probably the least qualified person to write a review on him as a person, and a mediocre-ly qualified person to write about him as a performer, but I’m gonna throw some reflections out there.

I probably turned the TV off most of the time when he came on in the beginning of my wrestling-watching days… maybe it was the mullet, or the fact that he (the character) could somehow be in love with Chyna that turned me off. The first real impression that he made on me was at the end of his first run with the company. He was in a story where he was jealous of everything that Chyna was doing because she was in playboy. He didn’t want other people to see her naked, etc. (and somehow people actually did want to see her naked, making her issue a huge seller). There was a backstage segment in her dressing room or something, and she and Eddie began to have an argument. All of a sudden, he just became enraged. He started screaming and throwing things, and yelling and crying, improvising dialogue, and for a wrestling backstage segment, it may still be the best acting job I’ve ever seen. Of course I didn’t know at the time that he was having so many drug/alcohol problems that might have added something to the on-camera breakdown of the character.

He left or was fired from the company, depending on who’s telling you the story, and according to the Allentown Morning Call‘s obituary, had his marriage fall apart before crashing his car at 130 mph while on E. He was told he wasn’t going live, but remarkably got himself together, quit the bottle, quit the drugs, re-married his wife, was re-hired by the company, and had another kid. He would’ve celebrated 4 years of being sober on Tuesday, November 15th.

At this point, (when he first came back to the company in 2001) he’s still kinda a joke in my mind (not knowing all of the things that happened in the previous paragraph). He seems to be a drunk like Scott Hall, who’s a loser gone down the tubes who nobody is gonna remember. Like I said, I had no perspective. Anyway, he comes back and starts showing me matches of quality, innovations, athleticism and heart. An amazing ladder match on Monday Night Raw with moves nobody’d thought of before. And he’s starting to win me over. I find a couple of his old matches from WCW, and I realize what a performer and talented person he was. And he starts to break into the competition for the world title, winning over the fans in a huge way. My friend and I are in Los Angeles, watching a free TV royal rumble style match, and he’s keeping us on the edge of our seat fighting Olympic Champion Kurt Angle. They’re both hanging on the ropes, dangling over the edge, because if they let their feet hit, they’re eliminated, and they’re the last two people. Somehow after at least ten minutes with only the two of them, he wins out. This was (I think; putting things in chronological order isn’t my strongest suit, especially when it comes to wrestling) before what could very well be my best wrestling-related memory. I didn’t see Eddie win the title, with this guy, at the Los Angeles Ithaca College office, but I went with him to watch Wrestlemania XX a month later, when Eddie and Angle put on a “clinic” of a match, with Eddie outsmarting Angle to win. That would’ve been enough for the night. But to see another internet favorite, Chris Benoit, win the other championship at the end of the night, for the first time, after struggling through numerous companies, with Eddie along side of him throughout his whole career, and then have Eddie come out and the two of them raise their belts together is something I’ll never forget.

Watching the Chris Benoit DVD a year later, and seeing how deep this friendship was, how long they had been together, and seeing their early matches just made this moment resonate even more.

I’m a sap, I know. And it’s probably even sappier for me to be upset that a pro-wrestler died. People who say this, though, probably didn’t see me the day Phil Hartman died. Neither of these men had impacted science or world peace, or even a large percentage of the population. Like I said before, I didn’t know who they were as real people. I only knew the energy that they brought to TV, and I knew that things would never be the same without them. And I know, that like the memoriam episode of Newsradio, chances are that I won’t be able to watch tonight’s tribute episode of RAW, or Friday night’s tribute Smackdown without shedding at least one tear. Maybe the website’s dictatorial ruler has other opinions, but that’s just me.

This was originally 4.5 but I decided to up it to 5, in memory of his signature move, the “Five Star Frogsplash”.

In the wake of his death, Eddie Guerrero gets 5 stars for enjoying a long, incredibly entertaining career, being a family man, managing to be one of the top wrestlers of his time, and successfully overcoming a devastatingly sad stretch in his life to come back stronger than he was before, and more beloved by the fans. Listen tonight (Monday November 14th at 9 on USA network) or Friday (November 18th at 8 on UPN) to hear the thousands of people give their love to him.

November 14, 2005
Verbally Harassing Horses

It’s not that I don’t like horses; it’s that I don’t like the hub-hub that surrounds them, the people who liken them to people and all that nonsense. So with that in mind, lest PETA or other wackos stumble across this, I’ll go on the record saying, don’t harass horses or other animals. Make sure you let them (the horses) have a piece of your mind, but administer only verbal pain. The Junior Staff might think differently, but I’d hope not.

“Nice teeth, Tooth Face!” — that showed him

So I was out near Weisenberg (the middle of nowhere, in other words) today, minding my own business. In fact, I was near the middle of nowhere of the middle of nowhere. Roads in the middle of nowhere often serve as borders for farm land. Like I said, driving in the middle of nowhere, minding my own business… when all of a sudden, about 25 yards ahead, I see this horse staring me down. He/She/It is behind a fence and eating whatever it is that horses eat (I’ll let Adam field that one), but instead of a tranquil face of cow-like calm, this horse is looking at me hard. More accurately, he was probably staring in the general direction of the white van I was driving, but as far as I’m concerned, his black, buggy eyes were calling me out.

Naturally, when I drove up next to him, I stopped, lowered the passenger side window, leaned over, and told him what I thought about him. In a rant that included such highlights as: “Nice teeth, tooth face,” “Next, we’re taking a trip to the glue factory….and you’re not invited!” [Simpsons joke/put-down there], “the whole stable at the Kentucky Derby has carnal knowledge of your mother,” as well as a tirade detailing how all of the frustrations in my life were caused by him, it really seemed like he finally got the “bounceback” karma that had built up after so many years of people driving by and saying, “Look! A Horsey!” Is it my role to portion out karma? In this case, I believe yes. It’s as if this horse understood what was coming to him, that it was simply his time. He didn’t complain, staying at the fence, staring at me, listening to me explain how he’s wasting his life away watching traffic. Now, let it be known that the insults weren’t necessarily my finest, but remember, I didn’t exactly plan on verbally harassing a horse when I woke up this morning.

I then proceeded to tell him that I run a lowly visited review website, and he was only worth 1 star… on a good day. I think this was the straw that broke the ~~camel’s~~ horse’s back. He took a mouthful of whatever he was eating, looked away, then walked away, apparently finally realizing that I meant business. I raised the window and drove off the bigger man.

Verbally Harassing Horses receives four stars due to the fact that it’s free and is a victimless crime, in fact, it’s not a crime at all, I think. There’s something to be said for letting out one’s frustrations in front of what is the breathing equivalent of a wall. Other animals walk away (cats), turn away (cows), don’t get the whole point of it and try to cheer you up by insisting that you take them for a walk (dogs), or lack the facilities to even grasp the fact that not only are you alive, you’re making some sort of noise (chickens). Horses take it all in stride. However, they do lose a point due to the fact that if they ever developed pointy teeth and a taste for mammal blood, we’d all be pre-processed horse food, especially those of us who’ve already expressed our displeasure in them.

November 12, 2005